Dance Everyday: Day #4

Today I danced just to dance!

I was happy but tired all day.

I got a burrito for dinner from my second favorite burrito place.

My son ate his whole dinner! Big wow there!

I even managed to get a couple of errands done and that always feels good.

I will get some pictures or videos of me dancing this month, I promise! In the meantime, I hope you're able to find a reason, any reason, to dance. At the very least, find a way to give someone else a reason to dance. You are all awesome, you just have to show it! And now for your viewing pleasure, a pep talk from Kid President!

Dance Everyday: Day #2

Today I danced for a few hours of peace and quiet while the kid was with his grandparents! It was lovely, I played video games and did homework. I didn't get a nap, but it's okay. :)

Did you find a reason to dance today? Did you give someone else a reason to dance today?

Dance Every Day: Day #1

I'm not going to post every day because that would be boring and because I will never remember to do so! However, today is my first day of finding something to dance about every day.

February 1, 2014:

Today started out terribly after checking the discussion board for one of my online literature classes. The teacher had absolutely nothing nice to say about anything I wrote. All he did was tell me I did it wrong, but gave no indication of what he thought of my thoughts or points of view on the stories. That made me feel pretty crappy, let me tell you. But I vented to my sister, emailed the teacher and got a snarky reply from him. 

*sigh*

Oh, well. I can't make other people change, right? I can only change myself? So on went my day full of Disney Jr. on TV, Rift on my computer, and fighting my kid to take a nap.

But!

I still found a reason to dance. I sent my son to bed late because we napped until 6pm (whoops... but, man, was it nice!). He didn't go to sleep right away but he was really quiet so I went in, got him out of bed and asked him to come to another room with me. :) He was nervous until I started asking him to dance with me. We did the Hot Dog Dance from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, the Hokey Pokey, and If You're Happy and You Know it. He thought it was hilarious and I thought it was so worth it! Afterwards I found that he'd ripped my bedclothes apart, unplugged my clock and electric blanket, and dug through my side table drawer and took out anything mildly interesting (such as my old phone and a pillow cover not out of the box yet). He was duly reprimanded (fat lot of good that does) and we both were highly disappointed.

But for ten glorious minutes we were dancing, giggling, and enjoying each other. Those are the memories we'll each keep. I hope.

Did you find a reason to dance today? Did you do something to give someone else a reason to dance?

Inspiration

I've been caught up in Kid President's inspiring speeches. Some of my absolute favorite quotes are:

"Do something every day to give someone a reason to dance!" - Kid President

"You're made from love, to be loved, to spread love!" Kid President

So I've decided to embark on a project of sorts.... For the month of February, I am going to find one thing every day to dance about. Happy dance, victory dance, silly dance, whatever. At least once a day I'm going to dance about something. Hopefully it'll help give me a more positive outlook on my life and give perspective on the small things that drive me insane.

During this project, I will try to get pictures or videos of my silliness. If I don't, it's because there was no one to see it or no one but my 4 year old!

Unfortunately my blog is often neglected but that's because I'm too busy rocking my college classes! Hah! I'm also a club president, full-time supplemental instructor at the college and a part time tutor. I've got a lot on my plate right now. Even my kid asks me not to go to work half the time.

We all do what we have to in order to make the world more awesome. I'm going to dance. Maybe other people will make fun of me but maybe some will see how much fun I'm having and will join in!

I'd love it if you joined in!

Like the Plague...

I don't mean to avoid writing...

I've been in school for almost a full 365 days. I started taking classes last May in the summer semester and have just now completed the spring semester.

For a year I tried to keep up this blog. For a year I thought I could do it all: school, Mom, blog, house, and everything else that goes along with those, but it's become clear that I can't.

Now that I have time, there's this irrational fear of writing anything. I find good topics all the time. I have ideas constantly. But the moment I sit at my computer, it's 100% avoidance of anything real. I play FB games, watch episodes of Kitchen Nightmares and Grey's Anatomy.

I don't know what I'm afraid of or why I seem to have given up. I hope I can break through this weird self-imposed block soon.

In the meantime, thanks so much for sticking around. You're so sweet.

I Don't Remember...

I don't remember what my only child's first word was.

I don't remember exactly when he started walking.

I don't remember what his first solid food was.

I don't remember and he's only three.

I don't remember...

And it bothers me.

Sometimes....

Sometimes it's just too much. I go to sleep instead of working. I watch TV on Hulu because I can't deal with the stress. I'm underestimating my abilities yet I don't know how to change. I've tried lists, prioritizing, library time, etc. Work study has offered me the chance to do homework in a quiet environment which has actually helped a lot. Then there's the 3yo who refuses to use the toilet even though he's capable and more than ready. The dog, the fish (which I hate, sorry), the house, the car, the bills... I'm so thankful that I'm not alone because otherwise I really would have lost it by now. Even the things that aren't my responsibility add to my level of stress. But sometimes...

Sometimes it's all still too much and I sleep instead of dealing. I read instead of coping. I escape instead of facing my stress and working to alleviate it. I know all it takes is a little organization and work to get on the right track and minimal work to stay on that track. But sometimes...

Sometimes I just don't want to wash my dishes and I don't want to pick up the mess my kid made and I don't want to write that math journal entry. And that's where it all goes wrong. The dishes pile up, the messes pile up, the homework piles up. Then the late nights start when I'm up until 3am or sleeping from 9pm to 2am then getting up to catch up on school stuff. But the sink starts to smell and the kid avoids the living room because it's such a mess he can't even play. Sometimes...

Sometimes I'm still that immature teenager who moved out at the age of 17 because I couldn't stand my dad and step-mom. I'm still spending money the second it comes in and not doing my chores. And sometimes...

Sometimes I worry what I'm teaching my kid when I make him clean up his little messes and I don't clean up my own. What am I teaching him when I let his room stay a mess but still scold him when it's messy? I wonder how long I have to change my messy, stressful, procrastinating ways before he catches on and learns the same bad habits. Yet nothing changes and the cycle continues. I make plans to clean house from top to bottom but when the day comes I'm suddenly busy with put-off school work or I've decided it's too much and I don't even try.

Sometimes I hate myself for it and sometimes I just laugh and think, "I'll get better."

Sometimes I don't even think about it. Nothing can excuse the mess that I let accumulate. But sometimes....

Sometimes it really doesn't matter.

Adventures in Babysitting: Lessons Learned

I'm constantly talking about how I want to have more kids. I hope to meet a good man, get married and have a couple more kids. Since I'm not even dating (and have no prospects!) this desire is kind of far in the future. I know Ick will be much older than any siblings he may have and today gave me a taste of that.

One thing I learned today: Friendship is beautiful.

I babysat for my best friend Shaggy since it's summer time and her mother-in-law was unavailable to watch Jeremy, her 6yo son. I've known them since Jeremy was only 6 or 7 months old, and he loves Ick since he's known him since before he was born. They get along really well because Jeremy loves to show off what he knows and Ick does everything Jeremy does!

Another thing I learned today: Kids love to tattle!

My sister said, "When I was little I never understood why grown ups said it was wrong to tattle on others. Now I know it's to keep kids from coming to you about every single little thing!" She is so right. It's not about not telling an adult when someone else is doing something wrong, it's about settling your own super-minor disputes.

Something else I learned today: Kids will brave hypothermia to play in a pool in the summer however small it may be.

Now, I don't have a lot in the way of entertainment for a 6yo, but it was chilly, overcast and occasionally rainy so I figured we'd be inside all day. We only spent about 15 minutes outside on the toddler play-set because it started to rain. Less than 30 minutes later I was being bugged about the kiddie pool! I finally relented, poured countless buckets of water into the plastic tub as both the boys splashed it right back out! After an hour both of them were ice cold and shivering.

We went inside to eat popsicles, snuggle under blankets on the couch and watch 101 Dalmatians. By this time Ick was exhausted. I'd woken him up early when Jeremy got here and he spent the whole day on "full steam ahead" trying to keep up with a kid twice his age. I couldn't figure out why Jeremy kept complaining that we were watching a movie until his mom texted me when she got home saying he passed out in the car within minutes and his dad had to get him out and carry him inside because she couldn't wake him up.

Last lesson for today: Ick needs more interaction with kids his own age.

He's grabby, demanding and bad at sharing. He's unfailingly polite, though! After taking something he says, "Thank you!" and if he hears anything remotely sounding like a sneeze he says, "Bless you!" But some lessons only sink in with practice.

Today was rougher than my usual days, but not by much. It only reinforced my desire to have more kids. The age difference showed me how great it can be to have a big brother that much older.

Now, to find a man....!

A Letter to the Editor Regarding No Child Left Behind

Note: Yes, it's long. It's an English assignment with a requirement of at least 900 words. I hope you enjoy it anyway!

To the editor:

     “We're drowning in information and starving for knowledge.” -Rutherford Rogers. No Child Left Behind is a catchy name; it has you imagining groups of children with their teachers looking out for them, making sure they learn everything they need to move to the next level of education. The truth is not so romantic and can actually devastate our society.

     This policy was implemented in my hometown’s schools after I graduated high school. It had been tossed around my school district for years and I heard my parents discussing it which is what brought it to my attention. I didn’t understand it then but the name made me want it. Uninformed as I was, it sounded perfect. It meant not failing a class or being held back. It meant making sure all the kids did well on tests and papers.

     A few years after I graduated, one of my older sisters, Becca told me about how the policy made it difficult for her to give students their earned failing grades. At her middle school, they posted grades online allowing parents and students to see them as soon as tests and assignments were graded. Within minutes of posting grades, Becca would be inundated with emails and phone calls from parents full of arguments like, “You have to pass them eventually, so just pass them now!”

     While I don’t have any specific examples of personal experience, I do have my daily interactions with young people between the ages of six and 25. The children of my friends enter 3^rd and 4^th grade without being able to read or do math at that level. People I speak to in online forums for parents write like they are still in middle school and cannot express themselves in a way that shows they earned a high school diploma. Teenagers and young adults who hold jobs at my local businesses speak like they learned English just last year when they’ve grown up right here in Utica, NY.

     I have always been one for proper spelling and grammar because it is the language we speak and the way we communicate with those around us. Without good communication you have a breakdown in basic systems including familial and romantic relationships. When faced with ignorance, I try to gently teach the correct way to spell words or express ideas and feelings. Sometimes I’m met with disdain and name-calling and other times I’m met with outright hostility. I’ve asked those hostile people why they choose to remain ignorant and usually I get sarcasm or more hostility. Even intelligent people can look stupid if they haven’t been taught in a way that they are able to learn all that is being given. That applies to more than just English. It applies to knowing the history of the world we live in, the science behind the workings of the world, social studies of the people who populate it and the math we use every day to do simple tasks. The most important thing to remember is that ignorance is not stupidity. Ignorance the absence or lack of knowledge, it is not a name to be called in an argument. Ignorance is the result of an education that caters to laziness like No Child Left Behind.

     One reporter, Sheena Dooley from the Quad City Times in Illinois, talks about how many states are lowering their own academic standards. She reports, “Iowa and Illinois are among numerous states skirting a federal law meant to boost student achievement by lowering the target scores pupils must meet, according to a recently released report. Researchers at the Policy Analysis for California Research, a nonprofit organization, said that lowering standards inflates the number of pupils who pass state tests. Those tests are used to judge the performance of a school, as required under the federal ‘No Child Left Behind Act.’” (Dooley) While allowing states to set their own standards that are approved at a federal level is a step in the right direction, it should go further. Setting the state standard low so that low income, underachieving, urban schools will pass robs other students of higher goals and more education, especially when teachers aren’t allowed to teach more than what is on those tests. Letting specific districts set goals that are approved at state and then federal levels would go even farther to ensuring a more fair assessment of the education that students are receiving and would allow them to tailor their goals based on the needs of local students.

    The same reporter also talks about the gaps in her state’s scores compared to the federal standards, “The study compared fourth-graders' results on state tests with those on the National Assessment for Educational Progress, or NAEP, a federal test used to measure student performance across all states. In Iowa, researchers found gaps of 38 percent and 45 percent in the number of students who passed reading and math, respectively. Illinois mirrored those figures with a 35 percent gap in reading and a 47 percent differential in math.” (Dooley) Illinois is not the only state lowering their standards to make sure their students pass, however. It’s hard not to want to do that when the school’s funding depends on passing those standardized tests, but public school funding is a separate topic. These statistics show that because of lower goals, Illinois and Iowa are graduating students with a lesser education than those from other states with higher goals.

     Upon my recent decision to become an educator myself, I did some research into the subject in order to get a little more involved. I realized the real-life implications are perilous. While my sister refused to give in to those parents, some teachers don’t want to fight parents or don’t have the strength to continue the fight for their students’ education. These teachers will give passing grades to students even though they haven’t learned the material. While this hasn’t affected me personally yet, I definitely foresee this being a problem. Since I am a parent and will be an educator in a few years, I will be actively involved with this issue for the rest of my life.

     Being a parent, I understand the desire to give my child everything. I understand wanting him to have lots of friends, to be accepted and not to be held back or failed in a grade. I know the desire to prevent him from feeling disappointment, unworthiness and other negative feelings. However, his ability to spell common words, do basic math, know the history of the world around him and understand the scientific workings of that world are more important than a few bad feelings. As parents we equip our children with the tools to deal with disappointments and failures and the desire to make their own place in the world. As educators we give them the knowledge to go out into the world to make that place. When you get to college, you get it right or you fail. At your job, you don’t get endless chances to get a task right, you get fired. As a soldier, you get it right or you can die.

     While this issue hasn’t yet affected me personally, I know it will affect me when I start to teach, and when my child starts attending school. You can help prevent or fight against this policy through PTA meetings, contacting the school board and getting together with other parents and teachers who want to end this path towards a “non-education.” No Child Left Behind creates ignorant adults without motivation and entire generations of unskilled workers. Without highly educated people, who has the wherewithal to run a country or further our study of the universe around us? I once thought it sounded like a smart idea, to make sure lessons were taught until every student grasped the concept. Now I know it’s about pushing our youth through years of schooling with a piece of paper at the end that is becoming more and more worthless. An unearned education is not an education at all, merely a 12 year prison sentence to be suffered.

Sincerely,

A Future Educator of Your Children

Works Cited

Sheena Dooley “Report: Iowa, Illinois lower bar on student scores” Students First. 12 January 2006, 25 June 2012 http://www.studentsfirst.us/news/contentview.asp?c=181547

The more things stay the same...

Not counting the short #OWS post I made, I left this blog hanging on a very negative note. I'd like to rectify that, but not much has changed. I am at least able to feed my child (and well) so that is a huge load off my shoulders. However, it is exceedingly difficult to find work and that is where it hurts. Rent and bills are piling up (as well as multiple overdraft charges on my bank account for one bill) and it's starting to freak me out.

I got a call the other day from a staffing/temp agency and I'm looking forward to this job (working with students on processing their loans, but not exactly call-center work, thank GOD) working out. I want it so much it scares me a little bit. Wanting something so bad seems to push it further away. I'm praying about it and psyching myself up with preparing answers to the typical interview questions. I was also sent the computer tests for the agency, so I'll be working on those tomorrow while Ick is with his grandparents.

I asked my step-mother if she would help with bills and she said, "Well your father told you at the beginning (as in, when I had my son) that you couldn't support yourself much less a child and you insisted you could. But you're kind of proving him right. You know he won't let me send you any money." This from the woman who controls the money (and has since day one over 20 years ago). Also this is the first time in over two years I've asked for anything. My "father" also said I was white trash and so was my (deceased) mother's family and that's all my kid would ever grow up to be. When I asked him for the money for a lawyer way back when I was trying to not be forced into returning to Central New York, he said, "You shouldn't have had a kid and I hope they take him away from you." Am I surprised he doesn't want to help? No. Am I surprised my step-mother isn't sending something anyway? Yes. She's sent all kinds of things for my son (her ONLY grandchild in any form, and she has her own son who is married): homemade clothes and baby blankets, toys, etc. She also sewed a t-shirt quilt for me out of a bunch of my old shirts dating back from 4th grade. Clearly she has feelings for me and Ick, but I guess not deep enough to want to help keep us from living on the street.

"Are you really that close to that?" you're probably asking. Well, I still owe on November rent, leaving us short on December's as well and my landlord is losing patience quickly. So, yes. He's threatened me more than once and this apartment doesn't even pass codes.

I want to live in a house (apartment, whatever) that is actually decent for once. No uninsulated 3rd floor sucking up my heat (and money through the electricity/gas bill), no drug-dealer neighbor who has random people in and out of the building until well after 3am, no shouting matches in the common hallway at 7am about water leaks that only the landlord can fix.... I want a home which is something I've never had.

I want a job. I want to be able to go to the craft store and the dollar store and pick out some stuff to decorate my house for the appropriate season. I want to be able to do the crafty things I enjoy but can't do when I can't even pay my regular bills. I want to be able to pay for my cell phone without worrying that I'm spending money that should be going to a different bill and hope utilities stay on long enough for me to make up the difference.

I want to go to school and get a degree (still don't know in what) so that I can move forward with my life, not just along the same lines as the last ten years. I am willing and able to do all the work, studying and showing up that school requires.

I want to be happy. That's it, in a nutshell. As much as I love staying home with my son, that's not an option for me. I don't have a trust fund or lottery winnings. I don't have a husband or boyfriend who works and is willing to let me be a housewife. I, like countless others, have to juggle a toddler (alone), full time job, full time school and all the stresses that go along with that. I'm not complaining because at least I am healthy enough to be able to accomplish all of that. I have the capabilities, strength, intelligence and responsibility; For that I am immeasurably grateful.

But it all amounts to nothing when there is so much crap going on in the world that I cannot control. I can't blame the economy on all my problems because I can name quite a few that I brought on myself. Which, in all reality, is what makes this situation even worse. I look at it as punishment for my grievous mistakes and thank God that He didn't make me suffer more (which He could have). But the longer this goes on, the harder it is to bear. I'm sure in the Bible there are references to people trying to hide their faces from God in shame. That's me right now. I tried really hard to be positive and "give it up to God," but it felt fake to me. In my heart I knew that I was serving penance for my sins and that is something you cannot give to Him. It's like your parents making you do difficult chores as punishment, but as they watch you singing and dancing your way through them because you know they pretty much let you off the hook, they maybe start to think, "Perhaps I wasn't hard enough on them. Maybe they need something more to really drive home the point that they did something wrong so that they'll finally learn they can't do what they did."

Okay, so if I'm being totally honest (which I'm not, not really), that last bit came to me as I was writing this. But it feels right. That paragraph up there is so spot on that it's creepy. I should probably write more about my life even if I don't share it publicly.

Where was I? Right, punishment... In the light of my extremely recent epiphany, I think a little more prayer is in order. I do want this job because it is full time, first shift office work; The exact thing I've been looking for. It's even a dollar more an hour than my last job, so there's another plus right there. And it's temp-to-hire which my last job was not. But instead of praying that I get this job, I can pray about whether or not I've gotten the message about what I've done wrong and how I can go about not doing it again. Then maybe I can pray that I'll get this job.

Because even if I have to work day labor at the landfill (yes, those types of jobs exist), I will do it. I will do whatever I can to put a roof over my baby's head, food on his plate, clothes on his back and toys in his hands. There is no job too "low" if it helps me provide for my child.

So now, I pray. I'd love it if you'd pray with me.

Edit: I want to say a special thank you to @skeri (aka Keri H.) for being so helpful and encouraging during this rough time for me and my little family. Being raised by a single mother gives you a special point of view, doesn't it? I'm glad we met way back in 10th grade and despite the years and distance (and the loss and subsequent regaining of our friendship), you're there for me in a way no one else has been. You're an exceptional person and I'm thankful for you more than you know.

Second edit: My sister and brother-in-law are staying with me. My sister is a stay-at-home and graciously watches my kid for me whenever I ask (rarely, out of respect) and when I work. She'll take care of dinner, dishes, basically the domestic stuff minus my laundry, hah! My brother-in-law is a currently out of work union insulator who is collecting unemployment and, also graciously, is the one paying rent and the household bills. It can't cover everything but it still covers the basics. I'm so thankful that they are here to help and having family close by is always wonderful. Thank you for what you do for me, from the bottom of my heart.

Better Tomorrows

Yesterday I complained about how I couldn't get anything done. No motivation, no time, blah blah blah... Today I woke up at a decent hour which allowed me to have over an hour all to myself while Ick continued to sleep in bed. It helped that I went to bed at a decent hour as well! This did wonders for my personal peace. I know I won't always get that since we share a room for now, but it's wonderful when I do get it. I was able to sit in the quiet and read my daily Bible verses (reading the Bible in 6 months, First and New Testaments at the same time but in order), and daily devotionals.

Ick finally woke up after 11am (holy crap, 13 hours?!) and he 'helped' me wash the dishes. It's a lot easier when I let him 'help' because then he won't stand next to my leg screaming, "Hold you! Hold you! Hold you!" when all he really wants is for me to pay 100% of my attention to him even while he ignores me. He played in the dish water while I tried to wash dishes around him, heh, it was pretty funny and a heck of a lot less annoying than the whining or screaming!

I managed to get a lot done today. Not in a "in the zone, kickin' ass and takin' names, To Do list is fully crossed off" kind of way. More like, "I got nothing accomplished yesterday, but today I feel good, let's see what I can do between quality time with Ick, FB games and Twitter." Sparing you the list of things I did, let's just say, I'm happy with today. There's more on my To Do list but I'm not worried about it.

All cheesiness aside, that little bit of time in the morning to wake up with some coffee and Christ has made a difference. Yes, it was only one day, but when I suddenly have more patience to handle Ick's tantrums, I feel better physically and time seems to pass more slowly it's hard to ignore the proof.

Since time seemed to pass slower than the last few days, it was like I had more time to do what I needed and wanted to do. Y'all, I cooked dinner! I made muffins! Washed dishes! Cleaned off the mountain that used to be the table where my computer sits! Simply a wonderful feeling.

No, life didn't magically get better because I went back to Christ, but I did have the strength to make this day better than yesterday. And the comfort of knowing who to turn to if I just don't have enough and I may need a boost.

So here's to another good day tomorrow.

On a little final note, I'm up late tonight because I finished a new page on my blog! I'd love it if you gave it a little click and perused the short list of Blogs I Love. I know you'll find some wonderful blogs and great folks. Thanks!

Procrastination, Bad Parenting and Unemployment

I've been reading blogs by some of the lovely ladies and charming gents I've had the pleasure of "meeting" on Twitter. I've come to learn that not every single blog post needs to be four pages of passionate urging or tyrannical bitching. Apparently I'm allowed to write a short little anecdotal paragraph about my day. Hmmm...

Procrastination:
What did I accomplish today? I cleaned up one corner of the kitchen. Just the one. See, I don't have a trash can (one of the many joys of multiple moves in one month... two months ago...) so we set a bag on an extra side table that's stuck in the corner of my kitchen between the stove and fridge. It's really not a good idea. Lots of trash ends up not in the bag: on, around and under that round side table. This morning- Okay, around noon when I woke up, I got fed up and swept all the crap up with one broom while my two year old swung the other one around. I'm really surprised he didn't break anything or give me a black eye! I got everything up and into a city garbage bag (no cans here, I have to buy individual bags at $1.50 a pop every single week) and set it up to finish being filled. I gave up after arguing with Ick about the damn broom. It is not a toy and I still stand by that! I'd have let it go, but he likes to whip it around and who knows what he'll manage to hit? And I can't very well continue to clean when he's screaming at me! I thought I'd take a break and get back to it.

It's kind of amazing how fast the day goes by when you stay up until well after 5am and you don't get up until noon. I can't do anything but laundry after "bedtime" because my neighbors are crazy and I'm not chancing waking up the holy screaming terror in the bedroom!

Let's see, what else...? Oh, right, nothing. So I watched Rio (cute, but oddly lots of loose endings there) and caught up in Cafe World (don't judge me!) and even leveled my Shadowknight in EverQuest2 since it's my last day of subscription. I read a couple of books to Ick, went grocery shopping at two different stores for all of 5 items (I mean, really).

This isn't a boring list of "What I Did Today!" It's more like, "What the hell am I doing with my time and why is my house so filthy when I hate it that way?" I'm at a total loss when it comes to time management, I can't keep a house clean to save my life and I'm a lazy procrastinator. The very worst kind. I'd rather sit on my ass and play games or read than do anything even remotely resembling adult responsibilities.

Bad Parenting:
I'm not spending as much quality time with Ick as I did when I was working. Isn't that weird? I'm around all the time yet I don't really spend much time with him. It's awful and it makes us both miserable. It's back to that time management. Oh and bad parenting. I guess it would help if I went to bed at a normal hour and didn't sleep half the day while he plays nicely in our bedroom, letting me sleep. (He really can be such a sweet boy. Just yesterday he woke me up with, "I woo-uv you!" and lots and lots of kisses!)

I'm not the person I want to be and I'm making strides towards changing that. I really do enjoy those niggling little Facebook games, but lately I'm only playing one instead of the many games I'm a part of. Taking out those distractions will be a huge help I think.

Unemployment:
And I guess I need to apply for some jobs, huh?

(Um, what happened to "short" and "anecdotal?")

To Baby Ick on Your 2nd Birthday

Birthday Boy!

My dear, sweet boy, you turned 2 today. You’ve only been alive for 730 days, but have accomplished much, most notably my unconditional love and annoyance. You have proven to have such an awesome personality and amazing intellect.

You prefer to say words like adorable, triangle, alphabet and elephant instead of dog, cat, tree or Mama. You’re discovering the world around you and ooze enthusiasm. You saw a fan? No doubt I will hear about for the next 15 minutes. You got a boo-boo a week ago? Every time you see the scab on your knee, you mention it, point to it, tell me what it is and follow it up with, “I fall.” You’ve even learned to reprimand others when they do something you’ve been told not to do. Earlier this week Jeremy, Shaggy’s 6 year old son, was standing on my bed. You pointed to him and said, “Fall!” Yes, he will fall if he keeps standing on the bed. Yes, I had him sit down so he wouldn’t fall. You even scold yourself sometimes when you throw your toys. We can work on thinking of that before you throw them.

And the shrieking? Yeah, I’m over that. Please stop it just as soon as you realize it pisses everybody off. Me, NaNa, Uncle David, George, the folks in the 37^th St Cemetery*, and everyone in the grocery store. Even the folks sitting in their cars in the parking lot. Yeah they can hear you, too, you little banshee! *There isn’t a 37^th St Cemetery around here as far as I know, but you get my drift.

When you were in your “in-between” stage, no longer an infant but not quite a toddler, I lamented your lack of affection. There were no hugs, no snuggles, no kisses except at bed time. Now you are constantly saying, “Hold you!” It has got to be in the Top 3 Adorable Things You Say. You will snuggle up in my lap, rest your head on my shoulder and inform me that you are giving me hugs.

You received two different laptops for your birthday, a Fisher Price and a Leapster. I’m slightly disappointed that you prefer the babyish Fisher Price, but I understand the lights attract you more than the darker Leapster screen (even if it does say your name!). Gram also sent a wooden letters and numbers toy with blocks on it that spin, sort of like an abacus (which you can also say and have on several occasions). She said she wanted “old technology and new technology” in the form of toys and thought of how differently you could learn from them and I absolutely love it! You love anything that spins, so this is a major hit with you. You’ve also blown my mind with how many pictures on it that you can name.

I’ve heard you count to ten, watched you tease NaNa by handing her a cup then taking it back when she’s almost got it. I’ve seen you kiss the dog but tell me, “Oh, gross,” when I cough. You’ve even almost got the hang of saying the word of whatever it is you want instead of whining. That’s been a tough thing for you to learn but you are doing such a good job!

In an older blog post I talked about my anxiety about your mental development. I really should learn to listen to the experts (namely, your pediatricians) when they tell me that babies usually have a trade-off: When they are growing physically, mental growth takes a back seat and vice versa. Now you want me to read many little board books in a row and you’ll even point to things and name them. It’s so wonderful to hear you name something new! Even more amazing when I’ve never taught you the word. Just more proof you listen even when you’re pretending not to. You’ll watch an entire episode of a kids’ show and the better part of a movie (especially if it’s Disney’s “Cars”). You love to color, or as you say, “Cudders!” In addition to these wonderful mental developments, you’re a whopping 29lbs, 34in (or so, can’t exactly remember).

The day before your birthday I took you for your 3^rd haircut ever. You screamed and cried, “Hold you! Hold you, Mama!” I laughed and told you that you were fine while my heart broke a little. The wonderful hairstylist talked to you, tried to get you to laugh and not once lost patience with you. Trust me; she deserved that $5 tip! However, you look so much like a little boy and not a baby that it makes me a little heart sick thinking about it. Watching your facial expressions under that shortened ‘do give me a glimpse at what a handsome young man you’re going to be. That minor chin-butt is going to help, too, believe me. Girls really dig those.

While your exuberance and education delight me, they make me sad as well. Watching you grow from newborn to infant to toddler was hard enough. Take your time as you grow into a little boy, okay? I’ll need those wet, smooshy toddler kisses a little longer.

Almost... Got it...

HomeHer11: Acceptance At Last

Note of warning: I imbedded a lot of links. I hope you'll click on them as they lead to wonderful blogs and their amazing authors. I hope you enjoy the videos as much as I did! I did, however, refrain myself from linking everyone's Twitter account to their usernames. You'll just have to find them yourself!
 

Just over a year ago, I joined Twitter with the name @MamaPoodle. Just for fun, just to see who would follow me and who I could possibly find whose daily mini-updates would actually interest me. I tweeted a few times with a couple of hashtags (“Whattags?” I thought) in the hopes of finding others in my situation (never realizing I could find others using said hashtags). I gave up for a while returning to the comfort of Facebook and my real-life friends, coworkers, family and fellow high school graduates.

Only recently did I find out about BlogHer. I’ve read Free Range Lenore and If Mama Ain’t Happy both found through ParentDish (now Huffpost Parents), and followed both on Twitter which led to a few others. I noticed their massive amounts of followers and much smaller number of who they follow. I replied to some tweets and was never acknowledged. So many times I felt just as invisible as I do in my real life. So, as I saw them talking more and more about BlogHer11, I noticed this cute little hashtag: #HomeHer11.

I thought to myself: Now that sounds like something I could be a part of. I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into! I opened a new tab in my browser with the search for #HomeHer11 in it and just jumped in. I noticed some witty remarks from some ladies and a few dudes and decided to try my hand. I gained four times the number of followers and followed twice as many “Tweeps” as I did before! I’ve discovered hundreds of blogs, links, and random internet fun this last week. I even secured a position in the HomeHer11 court (Poodle: Good at making Kitten [aka @MagandMoo] jealous) and a mention in someone else’s blog! Whaaat?!

More than networking, chatting and a pretty cool start-up score from Klout (40!), I found support. I found laughter (@NanyaDub), love (@sthrnfairytale), tears (@WhyIsDaddyCryin), mamas (@MayhemMatriarch), and dads (@MrMomWorld).

I’m so socially awkward and shy. I’m terrified of that horrible silence when I say something that I think is witty and apparently no one else does. In social settings, I blend in and try not to feel too bad. HomeHer11 gave me a bit of hope when I found people responding to my tweets and enjoying what I had to say.

As I’m sitting here, there are flashes of videos, pictures and blogs running through my head. All I can think about is the emotional connection that has been made. It’s been made between me and others that I chat with. It’s been made between me and people who don’t even know I exist. Knowing so many others go through the same things I do on a daily basis is enormously relieving. I’m having a hard time getting out what I want to say because I’m a little overwhelmed right now. Excuse me…

Pee break out of the way and now I’m armed with a big ol’ glass of sweet tea! Where was I…?

Sweetest HomeHer11 attendee!

Right, the sob fest. Honestly, as I was following the #HomeHer11 tweets I laughed and had an amazing time. Being new to the whole blogging world (only now forcing myself into regular updates), I never wanted/expected/thought about going to BlogHer11 so I’m not upset about not getting swag, not meeting “blogging celebrities,” and not attending parties and conferences and sessions. And anyway, I got to attend laundry parties, “Changing Diapers on a Screaming Toddler” and “Popcorn and Blogging” sessions and many more. I even got swag. Mary (@marybeauty) started a fun game called “Go Look Under the Washer and In Your Couch Cushions” to see what you could find. I got Oreo crumbs, a toy truck and even a nickel! I was feeling sick (still am, a bit) and stopped by the Medicine Cabinet booth (credit to Mary again for that one!) to snag some NyQuil. There was fun to be had by all, actual contests and new friends to be made. There are videos, even!

 

 #HomeHer (featuring @theaumsmama and @sixyearitch)

~and~

 HomeHer11 (@NanyaDub)

~and~

 HomeHer11 Welcomes Home BlogHer - Verseo.com Picture Contest (@marybeauty)

One year I’d like to attend BlogHer, even if only to say that I’ve gone and done that whole thing. I’d also love a chance to meet the fabulous folks I’ve been chatting with. (God bless social media, I must say.) For now, I am pleased and touched to be a part of something so large in its scope and reach: across numerous time zones and right into our hearts.

Thank you to everyone who replied, retweeted or silently enjoyed my contributions. Thank you for widening my world of Twitter and social media. Thank you for the laughs, the blogs, the pictures. Most of all, thank you for sharing your life, even the not so happy moments of fear and self-doubt. You give encouragement to so many, even if you don’t realize it. That weak moment gave others the courage to keep going because we find that we are not alone in our mistakes in life, parenting or whatever. That happy day gave hope to us in dark times and a chance to share our own happy memories.

HomeHer11 wasn’t just a pity party about who couldn’t or just didn’t go to BlogHer11. It was a connection of real people and it was wildly successful on so many levels. I hope that I’m able to touch lives the way mine was at HomeHer11.

See you at HomeHer12!

Parenting on Minimum Wage

I am a part-time clerk at a drug store. I'm not in the position I want (full time with more pay as a Pharmacy Technician) and that I'm trained for, but I am working. I'm attempting to blog every week to see what I can do to make a difference in someone's life (a good one, I'm hoping!). I'll be starting school in the fall to pursue a Doctorate of Pharmacy so I can make good money and afford more things. But right now, I'm parenting on minimum wage - well, close to it.

I recently tweeted (yup, I do that too: MamaPoodle), "99% of the time my bills are late notices. Sometimes we eat plain pasta and use discount diapers. But I sure do love my life. #happy" And that, my friends, is the God's honest truth. I am usually stressed out about one bill or another that I can't pay, some high-stress relationship or situation with my co-workers, how I don't make enough money per hour, or that I'm not being the best parent I can be.

If I could be a SAHM (stay at home mother), I would. In a New York minute! But since I am a single parent, I must work. I have to be away from my son as many hours as I can bear so that I can take care of him and myself. I choose to work only 4 days a week but have told my employers that I'm willing to work ten hour days if they want to schedule me for that. I struggle with knowing my son is at home with his NaNa (his Aunt Angelique) or at his paternal grandparents' house playing, eating, bathing, growing and learning without me. Working with the general public does distract me, but in just about every free minute I'm thinking of my little Ick. This stress alone is enough to drive me to drinkin'.

But I also have to worry about that electric/internet/phone/water bill that's due in 3 days and I just don't earn enough to pay it? Even if I worked full time?

Some of you may ask, "Why don't you get some assistance? Aren't there government programs to help people like you?" Yup. There are. I'm semi-ashamed to admit that, yes, I get food stamps. However, I earn too much for any "cash" assistance. And no, I don't get child support. Why? Well, technically, Ick's dad and I have "shared physical and legal custody" even though I am the sole financial responsible party for our little bundle of joy. We've been to court twice to change that and both times he has fought it and won. Ridiculous. The Family Supreme Court of New York has some issues that need to be worked out. But this isn't about that.

This is about how many, many parents out there are barely getting by and are doing everything they can. This isn't about the ones who play the system and refuse to work just because they "don't want to." I may get some government assistance (like millions), but I do have a job and I work very hard at it. I still struggle every month to pay my bills and they don't always get paid. I have to leave my child behind four days a week in order to make what little money I can.

As much as I struggle with all of this, the one thing I keep reminding myself is this: I am a good parent. I do what I have to in order to make sure my child is fed, clothed and is being taught everything he needs to know, whether it's by me, his NaNa or another caregiver. My son is loved, disciplined, and well taken care of. I am doing the best I know how at this point in my life.

Soon (as in a few years), even though I'll be a pharmacist, I'll be able to take real, paid time off, family vacations, make my own hours and my pay will be sufficient to give little baby Ick the right education and childhood. While nothing can make up for me being gone 40 hours a week, I can at least make sure he is getting top notch child care (hopefully from family) and a great education.

Soon, I won't be parenting on minimum wage, and I won't have to worry about how I'm going to pay that pile of bills or buy a whole new wardrobe because the clothes I bought 3 months ago don't fit him anymore. I look forward to that and every day I look forward to the time I do get to spend with Ick.



If you are like me and live paycheck to mouth, just remember that there is a way to make your life better. You can get the education and training you need to get a better paying job. And as long as you are "doing what you're able, putting food there on the table ... that's something to be proud of." (Montgomery Gentry, "That's Something to be Proud Of"). Don't let others put you down for getting assistance, or because your baby wears garage-sale clothes.

Make a change and prove that you are the best parent there is, because you know that there's always room to improve yourself to make a better life for your family. There's no bigger love than that.

Being Yourself and Mama

When a woman becomes a mother, there is inevitably a change. You are Mama 100% of the time. Your tastes in music, movies and books don't change, but instead widens to allow room for your kids' interests. Priorities change as well. Your career may not be as important as you once thought, or may become even more important if you're trying to make more money for your family. You'll find that sometimes "a night out" means you and your little man or darling daughter (and possibly your significant other) at McDonald's or a chain restaurant when it used to mean drinks and dancing or dinner at an expensive, classy restaurant.

But people tend to forget that you are also still just you. You still want to read your Dean Koontz instead of parenting articles and books (although the latter may take up any time you might have had for the former). When you're alone in the car (on those rare occasions) the radio goes back to the rock or country station instead of the kid cd's. You still enjoy a nice glass of wine, a cold wine cooler or an ice cold beer.

Some parents let their kids stay up as late as they can in order to get them to sleep late in the morning. Personally, my son has a 7 to 8pm bedtime. "Why?" you may ask. Well, I still want some time to myself. When Ick takes a nap, I am either doing laundry or catching some z's myself. But after he goes to bed, that's my time to sit back, relax and just be me. I may play EverQuest2, read a book, play games on Facebook or watch TV that doesn't revolve around toys, talking animals or learning the ABC's and 123's.

While my son is asleep, I'm still Mama. I still listen for his cries in case he wakes up, I peek in on him on my way to the bathroom to hear his deep, sleeping breaths and I try to decide what to dress him in and feed him the next day. Like I said before, I'm Mama 100% of the time, but there needs to be a time when I get to be myself again.

When my son grows up and goes away to college or moves away from home, I don't want to be left adrift and lost because I don't know who I am anymore. I went through self-discovery (and still am) and don't want to have to start all over in 18 (or so) years. Also, being sure of myself and being my own person gives my son a strong figure to lean on during his adolescent years when he is trying to figure out just who he is.

I still have needs, wants, interests, likes and dislikes that extend beyond my little boy. Yes, he is the center and he is my world. But, just as there are stars and planets beyond Earth, I extend beyond my Sweet Cheeks. Even if I only have time for my books during breaks and lunches at work, so be it. If I get an adult night out once every 6 months, I can deal with that. But because I make time for myself, I am a calmer and more sane Mama the rest of the time. Knowing there are a few hours of peace and quiet at the end of the day makes any crazy, hectic, whiney day bearable.

And as for anyone who claims their job is their "adult" time? You're crazy. You still have to take care of others and it comes naturally and understandably. I myself work retail and am constantly soothing upset customers, cleaning up after kids and adults alike, and always on the move. Work is NOT the time to "be yourself," as you must be the model employee.

So find yourself a full, uninterrupted hour (at least) of "you time" and therefore find your sanity. Set a bedtime for your kids because not only is it good for you, it's good for them to have structure and rules. (Plus, it'll be much easier on all of you when the time comes for your kiddos to start school!) Read a book with more than 4 words per sentence, watch a movie that hasn't been rated G, or (for this time of year) just sit back with a glass of "adult" eggnog and turn out the lights to better enjoy the glowing Christmas tree.

Enjoy being you. Because come 6 or 7am... It's back to being Mama!

It Takes a Village... Apparently

Today my son, Ick, and I went to my friend's son's 5th birthday party. My son is only 14 months old so he wasn't really part of the play group. Jeremy has known my son since before he was born. In fact, he's the one who christened him with the nickname "Ick" (from the TV show Little Bear). He really does love little Ick and Ick absolutely adores Jeremy like most small children do their older counterparts.

Now, my friend (Shaggy) is currently going through a divorce. So her party was mostly her family with only myself and her son's friend and his mom as unrelated guests. The party started at 2, but being her closest friend (and having helped stock up on party foods and such) I showed up around 1:45 with Ick in tow.

Jeremy is pretty close to this boy Caden he met at the Open House at his preschool the beginning of the last school year (2008). Shaggy had only met his mother 3 times but knowing he liked Caden she made sure they were invited. Apparently they showed up about 1:30.

Jeremy and his friend Caden were in the playroom messing around with all of Jeremy's toys. Caden was especially concerned with Jer's actual, child-size drum set and couldn't stop playing. It was very cute and Jer liked that he had something so few children had. However, whenever Jer tried to pull Caden away to do something they both could do, Caden would cheat or annoy Jeremy so he could go back to the drums. They played a fishing game (being Jeremy's game, he's played it 800 times) and Caden couldn't catcha ny fish and got upset and started pulling them out. Jeremy got upset and called him a cheater, so Caden got up and went over to Ick and took the ball he was holding, causing Ick to cry. Then got up to play the drums again.

No big deal, even though Ick is an abnormally happy baby. The loud drums had kind of rattled him and he was still adjusting to the relatively new environment. As more guests showed up, the two older boys were continuing to play in the playroom and Jer's bedroom with all the toys. Ick and I moved on to the living room where Shaggy had thoughtfully put out some of Jeremy's old baby toys so Ick would have something to play with.

More guests showed up including Shaggy's cousins ranging from age 5 to 18. The smaller kids got together to keep playing but Caden felt he had first dibs on every single thing because he was there first. He repeatedly took toys away from Ick and the other kids, broke pieces off Jeremy's toys only to throw the whole thing on the ground wherever he was standing, and pushed people to make his way to the toybox in the living room stepping on fingers and toes.

His mother? Hanging out in the kitchen eating. I only heard her say anything to him twice. This child was insanely greedy, pushy, and couldn't share or play nice if his next juice box depended on it.

When the time came to open presents, he helped himself to the gifts attempting to open them faster than Shaggy could pull them out to give to her son. She had to take one away from him to keep him from opening Jeremy's birthday present.

I know this boy is only 5, but when *I* was 5, I didn't act like that! Why has parenting become so lax? Why is it such a chore for mothers and fathers to teach their kids what sharing is and how to keep your hands to yourself? If it's not yours, you ask permission before you touch it.

Caden's mom was nice enough and I liked her alright. She was fun to talk to and lighthearted. But she was also wearing old sweatpants and an old t-shirt. No one says you wear your Sunday best to a child's birthday party, but couldn't you at least get out of your pajamas for it?

I was really taken aback by something that didn't seem to bother anyone else. Maybe I'm too uptight. I know you have to tell kids "Stop that!" 15 times before they even consider listening to you. But there comes a point when you hear 6 other adults say your child's name followed by, "Don't do that, that's not nice!" when you should think to yourself: "I need to go stop whatever he's doing, this is getting out of hand."

Maybe as Ick grows up I'll relax a little and let the little things go. But if your kid shows up at my son's birthday part and shoots others in the face with a nerf gun or takes toys away from others and won't play nice, you better expect him to spend a couple of minutes in the Time Out Chair. If you won't parent your kids at home, I'm more than happy to parent them while they are in my house!

Parenthood Changes Everything

I will admit up front that I am a dirty person. I go long stretches between showers (As long as I look and smell ok, what difference does it make?), I put off dishes and taking out the trash. I sweep maybe once a week and RARELY mop. I don't have carpets, so no vacuuming. Laundry is usually only done for special occasions (like court for custody, or a job interview). I live alone so I'm not really worried about the toilet or the tub. I make sure my 8 month old is bathed and clean and well cared for, and always wearing clean clothes. So, I never skimp when it comes to my baby.

However, how many times when you were a kid do you go to someone's house and it was a wreck? Did you ever see dishes in the sink or dirty clothes in a pile on the bedroom floor? Were the floors dirty? The toilet stained? The mirror over the sink spotty with toothpaste?

It's come to mind that I have to change my deeply ingrained messiness for the sake of my son. Now, my dad and stepmom were very clean people. VERY. So, it's not their fault that I'm like this. I'm lazy and a HUGE procrastinator! Why do today what I can put off until tomorrow?

Well, as my son grows (and he's doing that pretty darn well) he's going to be crawling and walking soon. The floors will need to be swept and mopped everyday. We're going to need all the clean dishes possible. He's going to need clean clothes all the time in case he gets dirty and we need to go somewhere. I'M going to need clean clothes for the same reason! Also, when he gets even older, I don't want him to be embarrassed to bring friends over, or other moms to not want them at my house.

I am also going to have to find the time to do all this while I'm going to work (and hopefully school soon). Granted, I'll only be working part time, but the days I'm off, I'll have Ick with me. So, chores will need to be done while he's asleep for the most part. Especially if I'm going to be working ten hour days because there's no way I'm coming home and cleaning after that.

I could use some tips on how to start this change because I'm telling you: The thought of my favorite shows just sitting there unwatched on my computer's hard drive while I stare at some dirty dishes is just NO contest! I've thought of making a cleaning schedule to go along with Ick's sleeping schedule. Also, he's with his dad for 6 days this week so that's a great opportunity for me to get the place clean to get me off to a great start.

It doesn't help that I get really depressed when Ick isn't here. I don't feel like doing anything. And when he IS here, I'm too worn out from playing with him and taking care of him all day that I'm so grateful for the chance to chill out after he goes to bed.

I realize that it seems like I'm using any excuse I can find to avoid doing housework. Did I mention I was lazy?? And a procrastinator?

So, I think it comes down to time management. As long as I can make time to enjoy my favorite shows and relax a few times a day, then I think I can make sure I get everything else done. And I think the going rate for doing something until it becomes a habit is 21 days. So, the challenge is on.

Tomorrow, I will do a nice, full spring cleaning complete with laundry folded and put away and trash and recyclables ready to be taken out Monday night. Monday will begin my 21-day challenge to a nicer, cleaner home for me and my son. Not to mention, a journey to being a better person. Goodbye laziness and procrastination!

I hope you'll join me for my daily updates and offer your own tips and encouragements.

Oh, and one last thing... Cleaning out the car will have to be one of those days, lol, cus it's a mess, too. Just don't expect a miracle, because I can't clean my house AND my car all in one day.

Edit: I will be the first to admit that my laziness and procrastination have gotten the better of me and I still have not started this project. Oh, well. I will. One day. Probably when I move. Ha ha, at least I'm honest!