Sometimes it's just too much. I go to sleep instead of working. I watch TV on Hulu because I can't deal with the stress. I'm underestimating my abilities yet I don't know how to change. I've tried lists, prioritizing, library time, etc. Work study has offered me the chance to do homework in a quiet environment which has actually helped a lot. Then there's the 3yo who refuses to use the toilet even though he's capable and more than ready. The dog, the fish (which I hate, sorry), the house, the car, the bills... I'm so thankful that I'm not alone because otherwise I really would have lost it by now. Even the things that aren't my responsibility add to my level of stress. But sometimes...
Sometimes I just don't want to wash my dishes and I don't want to pick up the mess my kid made and I don't want to write that math journal entry. And that's where it all goes wrong. The dishes pile up, the messes pile up, the homework piles up. Then the late nights start when I'm up until 3am or sleeping from 9pm to 2am then getting up to catch up on school stuff. But the sink starts to smell and the kid avoids the living room because it's such a mess he can't even play. Sometimes...
Sometimes it's all still too much and I sleep instead of dealing. I read instead of coping. I escape instead of facing my stress and working to alleviate it. I know all it takes is a little organization and work to get on the right track and minimal work to stay on that track. But sometimes...
Sometimes I just don't want to wash my dishes and I don't want to pick up the mess my kid made and I don't want to write that math journal entry. And that's where it all goes wrong. The dishes pile up, the messes pile up, the homework piles up. Then the late nights start when I'm up until 3am or sleeping from 9pm to 2am then getting up to catch up on school stuff. But the sink starts to smell and the kid avoids the living room because it's such a mess he can't even play. Sometimes...
Sometimes I'm still that immature teenager who moved out at the age of 17 because I couldn't stand my dad and step-mom. I'm still spending money the second it comes in and not doing my chores. And sometimes...
Sometimes I worry what I'm teaching my kid when I make him clean up his little messes and I don't clean up my own. What am I teaching him when I let his room stay a mess but still scold him when it's messy? I wonder how long I have to change my messy, stressful, procrastinating ways before he catches on and learns the same bad habits. Yet nothing changes and the cycle continues. I make plans to clean house from top to bottom but when the day comes I'm suddenly busy with put-off school work or I've decided it's too much and I don't even try.
Sometimes I hate myself for it and sometimes I just laugh and think, "I'll get better."
Sometimes I don't even think about it. Nothing can excuse the mess that I let accumulate. But sometimes....
Sometimes it really doesn't matter.
Sometimes, more days than not, I feel exactly like this. It's horrible and frustrating and I absolutely hate it. I swear up and down that the next day will be different. Like this is Gone with the Wind and tomorrow is a never day and it's just as absurd saying to yourself as it to read Scarlett say it.
ReplyDeleteOne day I'll figure it out, but most of the time I think it's for the greater good. Work now, relax later.
I read somewhere that promises made to yourself in the dark of night never see the light of day. I've come to realize this is more true than I like to admit. I try to remind myself that I really do have so much going on that it's okay to let things slide sometimes. Then I wonder how long that excuse is going to work before it's more worn out than my $10 Walmart shoes!
DeleteThis. This is exactly it. Sometimes the messy house is easier to deal with than finding out for sure that I can't handle real adult life. It's easier for me to let people think I'm probably just lazy than to know that I'm a failure.
ReplyDeleteYou are dead on, Cassie. And it's so damn terrifying.
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