I Don't Remember...

I don't remember what my only child's first word was.

I don't remember exactly when he started walking.

I don't remember what his first solid food was.

I don't remember and he's only three.

I don't remember...

And it bothers me.

Sometimes....

Sometimes it's just too much. I go to sleep instead of working. I watch TV on Hulu because I can't deal with the stress. I'm underestimating my abilities yet I don't know how to change. I've tried lists, prioritizing, library time, etc. Work study has offered me the chance to do homework in a quiet environment which has actually helped a lot. Then there's the 3yo who refuses to use the toilet even though he's capable and more than ready. The dog, the fish (which I hate, sorry), the house, the car, the bills... I'm so thankful that I'm not alone because otherwise I really would have lost it by now. Even the things that aren't my responsibility add to my level of stress. But sometimes...

Sometimes it's all still too much and I sleep instead of dealing. I read instead of coping. I escape instead of facing my stress and working to alleviate it. I know all it takes is a little organization and work to get on the right track and minimal work to stay on that track. But sometimes...

Sometimes I just don't want to wash my dishes and I don't want to pick up the mess my kid made and I don't want to write that math journal entry. And that's where it all goes wrong. The dishes pile up, the messes pile up, the homework piles up. Then the late nights start when I'm up until 3am or sleeping from 9pm to 2am then getting up to catch up on school stuff. But the sink starts to smell and the kid avoids the living room because it's such a mess he can't even play. Sometimes...

Sometimes I'm still that immature teenager who moved out at the age of 17 because I couldn't stand my dad and step-mom. I'm still spending money the second it comes in and not doing my chores. And sometimes...

Sometimes I worry what I'm teaching my kid when I make him clean up his little messes and I don't clean up my own. What am I teaching him when I let his room stay a mess but still scold him when it's messy? I wonder how long I have to change my messy, stressful, procrastinating ways before he catches on and learns the same bad habits. Yet nothing changes and the cycle continues. I make plans to clean house from top to bottom but when the day comes I'm suddenly busy with put-off school work or I've decided it's too much and I don't even try.

Sometimes I hate myself for it and sometimes I just laugh and think, "I'll get better."

Sometimes I don't even think about it. Nothing can excuse the mess that I let accumulate. But sometimes....

Sometimes it really doesn't matter.

Procrastination, Bad Parenting and Unemployment

I've been reading blogs by some of the lovely ladies and charming gents I've had the pleasure of "meeting" on Twitter. I've come to learn that not every single blog post needs to be four pages of passionate urging or tyrannical bitching. Apparently I'm allowed to write a short little anecdotal paragraph about my day. Hmmm...

Procrastination:
What did I accomplish today? I cleaned up one corner of the kitchen. Just the one. See, I don't have a trash can (one of the many joys of multiple moves in one month... two months ago...) so we set a bag on an extra side table that's stuck in the corner of my kitchen between the stove and fridge. It's really not a good idea. Lots of trash ends up not in the bag: on, around and under that round side table. This morning- Okay, around noon when I woke up, I got fed up and swept all the crap up with one broom while my two year old swung the other one around. I'm really surprised he didn't break anything or give me a black eye! I got everything up and into a city garbage bag (no cans here, I have to buy individual bags at $1.50 a pop every single week) and set it up to finish being filled. I gave up after arguing with Ick about the damn broom. It is not a toy and I still stand by that! I'd have let it go, but he likes to whip it around and who knows what he'll manage to hit? And I can't very well continue to clean when he's screaming at me! I thought I'd take a break and get back to it.

It's kind of amazing how fast the day goes by when you stay up until well after 5am and you don't get up until noon. I can't do anything but laundry after "bedtime" because my neighbors are crazy and I'm not chancing waking up the holy screaming terror in the bedroom!

Let's see, what else...? Oh, right, nothing. So I watched Rio (cute, but oddly lots of loose endings there) and caught up in Cafe World (don't judge me!) and even leveled my Shadowknight in EverQuest2 since it's my last day of subscription. I read a couple of books to Ick, went grocery shopping at two different stores for all of 5 items (I mean, really).

This isn't a boring list of "What I Did Today!" It's more like, "What the hell am I doing with my time and why is my house so filthy when I hate it that way?" I'm at a total loss when it comes to time management, I can't keep a house clean to save my life and I'm a lazy procrastinator. The very worst kind. I'd rather sit on my ass and play games or read than do anything even remotely resembling adult responsibilities.

Bad Parenting:
I'm not spending as much quality time with Ick as I did when I was working. Isn't that weird? I'm around all the time yet I don't really spend much time with him. It's awful and it makes us both miserable. It's back to that time management. Oh and bad parenting. I guess it would help if I went to bed at a normal hour and didn't sleep half the day while he plays nicely in our bedroom, letting me sleep. (He really can be such a sweet boy. Just yesterday he woke me up with, "I woo-uv you!" and lots and lots of kisses!)

I'm not the person I want to be and I'm making strides towards changing that. I really do enjoy those niggling little Facebook games, but lately I'm only playing one instead of the many games I'm a part of. Taking out those distractions will be a huge help I think.

Unemployment:
And I guess I need to apply for some jobs, huh?

(Um, what happened to "short" and "anecdotal?")