Sometimes....

Sometimes it's just too much. I go to sleep instead of working. I watch TV on Hulu because I can't deal with the stress. I'm underestimating my abilities yet I don't know how to change. I've tried lists, prioritizing, library time, etc. Work study has offered me the chance to do homework in a quiet environment which has actually helped a lot. Then there's the 3yo who refuses to use the toilet even though he's capable and more than ready. The dog, the fish (which I hate, sorry), the house, the car, the bills... I'm so thankful that I'm not alone because otherwise I really would have lost it by now. Even the things that aren't my responsibility add to my level of stress. But sometimes...

Sometimes it's all still too much and I sleep instead of dealing. I read instead of coping. I escape instead of facing my stress and working to alleviate it. I know all it takes is a little organization and work to get on the right track and minimal work to stay on that track. But sometimes...

Sometimes I just don't want to wash my dishes and I don't want to pick up the mess my kid made and I don't want to write that math journal entry. And that's where it all goes wrong. The dishes pile up, the messes pile up, the homework piles up. Then the late nights start when I'm up until 3am or sleeping from 9pm to 2am then getting up to catch up on school stuff. But the sink starts to smell and the kid avoids the living room because it's such a mess he can't even play. Sometimes...

Sometimes I'm still that immature teenager who moved out at the age of 17 because I couldn't stand my dad and step-mom. I'm still spending money the second it comes in and not doing my chores. And sometimes...

Sometimes I worry what I'm teaching my kid when I make him clean up his little messes and I don't clean up my own. What am I teaching him when I let his room stay a mess but still scold him when it's messy? I wonder how long I have to change my messy, stressful, procrastinating ways before he catches on and learns the same bad habits. Yet nothing changes and the cycle continues. I make plans to clean house from top to bottom but when the day comes I'm suddenly busy with put-off school work or I've decided it's too much and I don't even try.

Sometimes I hate myself for it and sometimes I just laugh and think, "I'll get better."

Sometimes I don't even think about it. Nothing can excuse the mess that I let accumulate. But sometimes....

Sometimes it really doesn't matter.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder... And All That Jazz

So, I've been slacking in my blog posts. Well, not so much slacking as trying to get through this month alive and intact. A lot of stuff has been happening and I'm just trying to stay above water over here. Between leaving my job at the drugstore and taking a job as a pizza delivery girl (oh, the joy), trying to find an apartment to move to and desperately hoping I can come up with the money to fix my car so I can pass inspection and therefore keep my job, I haven't had much time to write out anything worth sharing.


My sister and brother-in-law recently came to stay with me for a while until they get back on their feet and my sister has a dachshund she's had since he was a teeny tiny puppy, about 8 years. There's no way she could part with him and I'd never ask that of her. We hid the little man as long as we could. It was pretty easy since he's old and really quiet. Well, my crazy landlady found out and requested my 30 day notice. So now the race is on to find an apartment that I can afford, will allow pets and isn't totally in the ghetto. That last part is pretty difficult since most of the nearest "city" is ghetto. I put city in quotes because this is a very small area and there has been a mass exodus of the population and many businesses going on for about 5 years. I may have a lead and I keep following up on it because I haven't gotten a call or email back on about 10 other apartments I've inquired about.

I left the drugstore and took the next available job as a pizza delivery person. It's not too bad, although the pay is significantly less than they led me to believe, both in the ad as well as in person at the restaurant. I made fast friends with a guy there only to learn he's leaving to pursue other, better interests. I'm not too sure when exactly he's leaving, but seeing as he is the only person there I really connected with, it's just another push to keep avidly job hunting. I'm trying very hard to save from my paychecks as well as my daily take home of tips and mileage. The good new is, after only 4 or 5 days there (including the 2 days I was off) they want to train me on cooking food and running the shifts. Which is great! Except for the 12 to 13 hour days. That is a huge drawback. While most of my workday would be while Ick is sleeping, I already spend most of my mornings with him barely conscious and wishing I was asleep instead of spending precious quality time with my one and only baby.

The inspection on my car was up in February and since I have to have a valid inspection on my car to drive for the restaurant, I decided it was time to take it in. Well, in order to pass inspection, the greedy eyed mechanic told me I needed to replace both bearings in the front, the front brake shoes and pads and replace the gas filler neck tube that rusted out early this past winter. I took my car to a very nice, honest mechanic that I've used before and he added control arm to the list of things to fix. Well, the first guy told me the cheapest he could find the gas filler tube was $181 used. I, however, found the same part brand-new online for all of $70 with shipping. It should arrive tomorrow and if I can save anything at all, I'll get that put on right away. The estimated total for fixing my car came to $800. Yowza! But it is much cheaper than buying another car.

In addition to all of those expensive repairs, I have to replace my TN license with a NYS license or my car insurance will drop me. To get a NYS license from another state, I have to pay another $70 as well as show about 15 different kinds of identification not including my TN license. I'm only sad to part with it because it is the most beautiful picture of me ever taken! No joke. And that's not an easy thing to accomplish!

Add to all that the usual bills that are way too high for this place. $200 electric bill, $90 quarterly water bill, $50 cell phone prepaid card, $50 internet bill. My output is so much higher than my income! Hence the continuing to look for another job.

So clearly my life has been pretty hectic and stressful to say nothing of the lack of support (financial or otherwise) from my baby's pointless "father." I won't even get started on that topic, it will only make me even more upset and stressed out. So hopefully I'll be back soon with an informative, interesting post that is a little more upbeat than this one.

Parenting on Minimum Wage

I am a part-time clerk at a drug store. I'm not in the position I want (full time with more pay as a Pharmacy Technician) and that I'm trained for, but I am working. I'm attempting to blog every week to see what I can do to make a difference in someone's life (a good one, I'm hoping!). I'll be starting school in the fall to pursue a Doctorate of Pharmacy so I can make good money and afford more things. But right now, I'm parenting on minimum wage - well, close to it.

I recently tweeted (yup, I do that too: MamaPoodle), "99% of the time my bills are late notices. Sometimes we eat plain pasta and use discount diapers. But I sure do love my life. #happy" And that, my friends, is the God's honest truth. I am usually stressed out about one bill or another that I can't pay, some high-stress relationship or situation with my co-workers, how I don't make enough money per hour, or that I'm not being the best parent I can be.

If I could be a SAHM (stay at home mother), I would. In a New York minute! But since I am a single parent, I must work. I have to be away from my son as many hours as I can bear so that I can take care of him and myself. I choose to work only 4 days a week but have told my employers that I'm willing to work ten hour days if they want to schedule me for that. I struggle with knowing my son is at home with his NaNa (his Aunt Angelique) or at his paternal grandparents' house playing, eating, bathing, growing and learning without me. Working with the general public does distract me, but in just about every free minute I'm thinking of my little Ick. This stress alone is enough to drive me to drinkin'.

But I also have to worry about that electric/internet/phone/water bill that's due in 3 days and I just don't earn enough to pay it? Even if I worked full time?

Some of you may ask, "Why don't you get some assistance? Aren't there government programs to help people like you?" Yup. There are. I'm semi-ashamed to admit that, yes, I get food stamps. However, I earn too much for any "cash" assistance. And no, I don't get child support. Why? Well, technically, Ick's dad and I have "shared physical and legal custody" even though I am the sole financial responsible party for our little bundle of joy. We've been to court twice to change that and both times he has fought it and won. Ridiculous. The Family Supreme Court of New York has some issues that need to be worked out. But this isn't about that.

This is about how many, many parents out there are barely getting by and are doing everything they can. This isn't about the ones who play the system and refuse to work just because they "don't want to." I may get some government assistance (like millions), but I do have a job and I work very hard at it. I still struggle every month to pay my bills and they don't always get paid. I have to leave my child behind four days a week in order to make what little money I can.

As much as I struggle with all of this, the one thing I keep reminding myself is this: I am a good parent. I do what I have to in order to make sure my child is fed, clothed and is being taught everything he needs to know, whether it's by me, his NaNa or another caregiver. My son is loved, disciplined, and well taken care of. I am doing the best I know how at this point in my life.

Soon (as in a few years), even though I'll be a pharmacist, I'll be able to take real, paid time off, family vacations, make my own hours and my pay will be sufficient to give little baby Ick the right education and childhood. While nothing can make up for me being gone 40 hours a week, I can at least make sure he is getting top notch child care (hopefully from family) and a great education.

Soon, I won't be parenting on minimum wage, and I won't have to worry about how I'm going to pay that pile of bills or buy a whole new wardrobe because the clothes I bought 3 months ago don't fit him anymore. I look forward to that and every day I look forward to the time I do get to spend with Ick.



If you are like me and live paycheck to mouth, just remember that there is a way to make your life better. You can get the education and training you need to get a better paying job. And as long as you are "doing what you're able, putting food there on the table ... that's something to be proud of." (Montgomery Gentry, "That's Something to be Proud Of"). Don't let others put you down for getting assistance, or because your baby wears garage-sale clothes.

Make a change and prove that you are the best parent there is, because you know that there's always room to improve yourself to make a better life for your family. There's no bigger love than that.

Obscene Behavior

Today at work, a couple of customers (husband and wife) overreacted to them not being able to use a coupon. Yup, a coupon. They got angry, the wife snatched the receipt out of my hand and I offered her a coupon that had printed for her if she “could not snatch it out of my hand.” (Edit: I feel the need to say that before I asked her to NOT snatch her coupon, she had accused me of being rude, of arguing with her just because I felt that I could and of trying to lie to her. I didn't just say something rude right off the bat.) Her husband then said, “Are you a bitch?” So I put his purchase down (toothpaste with a coupon, of course) and said, “That’s it, you don’t get to talk to me that way, you do NOT get to use that language with me.” I walked away to get my store manager and executive assistant manager who were no more than 20 feet away stocking merchandise. This jerk then proceeds to THROW the tube of toothpaste at me!! I just snapped. I turned around and screeched, “What is wrong with you?! Who does that?! OH MY GOD!” I started crying and hyperventilating and headed for the stockroom at the back of the store. The whole time I’m walking I’m crying and saying, “Oh my GOD!” I happened to pass a police officer who followed me into the stock room.
He came in and I was shaking and crying and asked me what happened. I explained to him briefly what had occurred then the EXA (executive assistant manager) came in and I went into more detail (since she would understand the whole coupon fiasco a little more). The officer said, “Unfortunately, other than being a douche, he didn’t commit a crime. But next time you see them, kick ‘em out of the store and call the police. I wish I’d known what happened, I’d’ve followed them out and stopped ‘em and had a little talk with that jerk.” He actually made me feel a little better.
So I went home for my “30 minute” lunch which ended up being an hour. When I came back to work, my co-worker had done a little something to cheer me up. When the jackass threw his toothpaste at me (he hadn’t paid for it, yet) he left his coupon on the counter. So Gabe handed me my Red Bull and said, “Don’t be mad, I was trying to make you laugh.” I looked at the can and he had taken the coupon and taped it to my drink!

Oh, it was great! It certainly helped me laugh about it. Yes, I’m still upset. I work retail, I bust my hump so you can have a good experience when you visit the place where “There’s a Way…” When I’m there, there’s a way to find what you need when you need it. There’s a way to have a nice chat. There’s a way to get great photos, personal products and the right medicine for you or your kids. When I’m working, there’s a way to make your day a little easier and a little brighter. But I also make barely more than minimum wage and I have to deal with stressful people (including my coworkers) all day long!
Where does ANYONE get off throwing things at me?? Where does anyone get off calling me names?? Just because I’m a service clerk does not mean you get to treat me like trash and walk all over me. I work very hard to be nice and make your life easier.
Okay, rant over.