Dance Every Day: Day #1

I'm not going to post every day because that would be boring and because I will never remember to do so! However, today is my first day of finding something to dance about every day.

February 1, 2014:

Today started out terribly after checking the discussion board for one of my online literature classes. The teacher had absolutely nothing nice to say about anything I wrote. All he did was tell me I did it wrong, but gave no indication of what he thought of my thoughts or points of view on the stories. That made me feel pretty crappy, let me tell you. But I vented to my sister, emailed the teacher and got a snarky reply from him. 

*sigh*

Oh, well. I can't make other people change, right? I can only change myself? So on went my day full of Disney Jr. on TV, Rift on my computer, and fighting my kid to take a nap.

But!

I still found a reason to dance. I sent my son to bed late because we napped until 6pm (whoops... but, man, was it nice!). He didn't go to sleep right away but he was really quiet so I went in, got him out of bed and asked him to come to another room with me. :) He was nervous until I started asking him to dance with me. We did the Hot Dog Dance from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, the Hokey Pokey, and If You're Happy and You Know it. He thought it was hilarious and I thought it was so worth it! Afterwards I found that he'd ripped my bedclothes apart, unplugged my clock and electric blanket, and dug through my side table drawer and took out anything mildly interesting (such as my old phone and a pillow cover not out of the box yet). He was duly reprimanded (fat lot of good that does) and we both were highly disappointed.

But for ten glorious minutes we were dancing, giggling, and enjoying each other. Those are the memories we'll each keep. I hope.

Did you find a reason to dance today? Did you do something to give someone else a reason to dance?

Inspiration

I've been caught up in Kid President's inspiring speeches. Some of my absolute favorite quotes are:

"Do something every day to give someone a reason to dance!" - Kid President

"You're made from love, to be loved, to spread love!" Kid President

So I've decided to embark on a project of sorts.... For the month of February, I am going to find one thing every day to dance about. Happy dance, victory dance, silly dance, whatever. At least once a day I'm going to dance about something. Hopefully it'll help give me a more positive outlook on my life and give perspective on the small things that drive me insane.

During this project, I will try to get pictures or videos of my silliness. If I don't, it's because there was no one to see it or no one but my 4 year old!

Unfortunately my blog is often neglected but that's because I'm too busy rocking my college classes! Hah! I'm also a club president, full-time supplemental instructor at the college and a part time tutor. I've got a lot on my plate right now. Even my kid asks me not to go to work half the time.

We all do what we have to in order to make the world more awesome. I'm going to dance. Maybe other people will make fun of me but maybe some will see how much fun I'm having and will join in!

I'd love it if you joined in!

Lord, I'm Tired

I go to sleep tired and I wake up tired. Maybe I'm sick. Maybe I'm just really tired! And maybe this is when the college coursework crunch begins. The first three weeks were smooth sailing with very few assignments. Coming up are tests, big assignments and long term projects. I'm nervous, tired, very unsure about how to start a lot of it and just plain stressed out.

Do you see a trend?

I know I’m smart enough to do all the work, and I’m capable of doing all of it. My major weakness is time management. How do I fit in all this work with quality time with Ick? I find myself saying, “Mama has to do schoolwork,” so often that I’m sick of hearing it. I’m terrified of missing so much during these next three years of Ick’s life because of college even though I know beyond any doubt that I’m doing the right thing.

There are also the “normal” life stresses like car and money problems to deal with on an almost daily basis. It’s a lot all at once and a lot of it will be taken care of in about a month. Until then, I guess I only have one choice:

Put on my big girl panties and deal with it!

Have any tips for me?

Note: Title is from the song "Tired" by Toby Keith.

The Meaning of Life

     The last year and half of high school, I didn’t live with my dad and step-mom, I’d moved out. I lived in an apartment paid for by my best friend Linda’s mother. It was her 17^th birthday present and just my luck, her mom needed help paying the rent on it. Using money from my retail job, I got to live cheaply in a nice place that was not ruled by parents. Linda and I were inseparable. We played soccer together on the junior varsity team, our friends were friends and she had a car. We spent many nights in that apartment doing what teenage girls do: baring our souls and hearts with the utmost trust in each other.

     This night began like so many others. We played Mario Kart on her Nintendo 64, listened to the same sad Matthew Good Band song on the radio, ate Ramen and talked boys. Suddenly, however, things turned scary fast. Linda was upset about her current interest, I knew that, but we’d discussed his worthlessness so many times that I couldn’t believe just how upset she still was. Linda brought me a pillow she’d been hiding from me. It was covered in words and pictures drawn in Sharpie. She was and is a talented artist but her choice of expression was so bizarre to me in that moment. She told me about each word, line, quote and image. I started to realize how deep her emotions ran and how much she needed me.

     As I began to use the same words I’d used before, she got angry. Linda was afraid of being alone; afraid of being unloved and afraid people would find out just how much she didn’t love herself. Everything happened so suddenly, I don’t remember how she managed to get the large kitchen knife in her hand. One minute we’re standing in the living room fighting and the next minute she’s backed up against the wall in the kitchen brandishing a huge knife in my face. I distinctly remember thinking, “Don’t be afraid. It’s not you she wants to hurt. Don’t be afraid. Don’t let her turn that around on herself. Don’t be afraid.” In that vein, I started yelling at her.

     “Go ahead! You’re really that mad? You really want to use that thing? Well do it, then! I’m standing right here and I’m not stopping you. Cut me if you want, but who else will bother to tell you the truth when you need it and lie to you when you don’t?” She really started to cry then, let me take the knife and balled up on the floor, defeated and defended at the same time.

     After my mother’s death when I was 8, I’ve done all I can for those around me who try to choose death over life. I know what it’s like to be the one left behind and I refuse to be that again when there’s something to be done about it. Linda is now in a loving, happy and committed relationship and following her own dreams of art. I’ve taken my friend Lynn, 30, with Type 1 diabetes to the hospital many times when she’s let her blood sugar get so out of control her doctor said she would have died if I hadn’t brought her. She used to get that way after thinking about her unfair life of pills and shots since she was seven, her inability to get pregnant and give birth and wondering if she’ll find someone who doesn’t care about all that. She’s now taking good care of herself and living her life happily. I’ve prevented another suicide in the form of an ex-boyfriend Alex, 38, who is currently a father-to-be again after 20 years, a grandpa-to-be and an uncle-to-be, all within the next three months. He is also pursuing a degree in nursing to be able to better provide for his new daughter the way he couldn’t provide for his first two children.

     Regardless of my seeming optimism, I’ve never been one to say that life isn’t hard. My own experiences aren’t rare but they have shown me how easy it really is to decide to take your own life. Barely hanging on at the end of your rope with no one to turn to and nowhere to go is a scary place. Even if you only feel like that’s where you are. Suicidal thoughts and tendencies don’t only affect hormonal teenagers like my first experience. They claw their way into the brains and hearts of educated adults with loving families like Lynn. They creep in and settle into the hearts and minds of fathers who feel like they’re not good enough for their kids and don’t know how to change themselves for the better like Alex.

     I’ve learned how to deal with these situations through trial but thankfully without error. I know that I was given those chances with those people for a reason and not just to be there for them. I’ve also been the one contemplating fatal actions. However, these experiences have taught me that no matter how futile we think our lives are, or unloved we think we may be, someone does care and our lives do have meaning. I’ve managed to find my meaning in pursuing a degree to be a teacher. I want to change the lives of children. I want to be the teacher they remember years later as their own kids start school. I want to be the voice in their heads that prevents them from becoming the ignorant youth I see myself surrounded by today. I’ve also found meaning in the eyes of my toddler son. Everything I do, I do for him. No matter how difficult my life gets, I know that when he grins at me and calls me “Mama” I am the entire world even for one small person. Each life has its own personal meaning and only by living will we find it.

Final note: If you find yourself thinking suicidal thoughts or feeling totally alone, please call 1-800-273-8255 to talk to a volunteer who chooses to be there for you. PostSecret is also a wonderful resource for hope and finding others who feel the way you do. Or you can talk to me. I’m always willing give advice or just lend an ear. You can find me at mamapoodle09@gmail.com and @MamaPoodle on Twitter.

11 Things

The Rules:

1. Post these rules.

2. Post a photo of yourself and 11 random facts about you.

3. Answer the questions given to you in the tagger’s post.

4. Create 11 new questions and tag new people to answer them.

5. Go to their blog/twitter and let them know they have been tagged.

Okay, so my cousin Lena (at Lovin' My Crazy Life) tagged me in this crazy post full of 11 things: random facts, questions she asked and I answered, and 11 questions for me to ask people to answer. This was way back at the beginning of May and I'm that much of a slacker and procrastinator that it took me a month to do it! But here I am so let's begin, shall we?

11 Random Facts:
(Note: Each fact had like a paragraph of explanation, but I cut them out. It hurt! lol)

1. I haven't seen my natural hair color since I was 16.

2. While I love to write I find that I'm incapable unless I'm writing about something that makes me passionate. The subject has to invoke some kind of strong emotion in me.

3. While it's no surprise that I love bacon, it has to be crispy.

4. I always have at least 7 tabs open at all times in my browser.

5. I have HORRIBLE dental hygiene.

6. I'm long winded. *gasp* I bet you'd never guess that one, huh? :o)

7. I love cartoon monkeys. My son's current nickname is Monkey.

8. I've given up work for school.

9. I'm on the Atkins diet.

10. I'm addicted to coffee and Diet Mountain Dew. One reason I don't sleep at night!

11. I love country music. I love the sounds, the lyrics and the people who play and sing them. There's something to be said for being raised with a country set of morals.

Now, to answer Lena's questions....

1. What is your favorite song and why? My favorite song changes often but right now it’s “Ain’t No Reason” by Brett Dennon. If you haven’t heard it, please go here and DON’T WATCH the video, just listen. Then, play it again but this time watch the video. The truths in the words are brought to life in the images and every time I watch it I'm brought to tears.
2. What Biblical person do you feel you relate to and why? This is a hard question for me because I’m not as familiar with the Bible as I probably should be. I’m going to go with the unnamed woman who washed Jesus’ feet. She was the lowest of the low but He showed her love, compassion and forgiveness in front of everyone. It’s what I hope He shows me when my time on earth is done.
3. How many places have you lived and where was your favorite? I have lived in many states, many cities. My favorite was any town in North Carolina. The weather is beautiful and there are four distinct seasons despite what many people up here in Central New York think. I’ve seen the beauty of fall, the snow of winter, the heat of summer and the renewal of spring. The fact that my family was (and some still are) there is the sweetest part of it all.
4. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? As I barely hit my double digits I wanted to be a mother and a teacher. I’ve the ‘mother’ part done (heh) and I am in school working towards the ‘teacher’ part.
5. Favorite childhood memory? The happiest times that I remember from before I was 8 was waking up in the “middle of the night” and seeing my mother, sister and brother awake doing things that were so cool only because I thought it was so late at night. I’ve woken up to games of Clue and a snack of pickles, biscuit making sessions and more. I loved that I wasn’t chastised and sent to bed every time, but occasionally allowed to join in before going back to sleep.
6. Where/what is your ‘happy place’? My ‘happy place’ is a toss-up. Right off the bat I’d say snuggling with my 2yo (almost 3!), but these days with his awful tantrums and inability to speak in anything other than a whine leads me to say my happy place is in my bed reading while he’s asleep at night. I rarely get enough sleep myself because I relish the quiet after he’s in bed and try to get as much as I can before surrendering to the new day.
7. What is the most annoying toy you have ever purchased for your child/ren? Most of the things I buy for my son are clothes, movies or small toys. Not much room there for annoying things. Those come from his grandparents! But this child will watch Dumbo a hundred times a day every single day unless I urge him to watch something else. Granted there are only 4 movies on VHS and one of them he broke (Beauty and the Beast! And he won’t stop asking to watch it, the heathen! ;o)), but I’m constantly asking if we can watch Hercules or the Grinch instead.
8. What is your favorite genre of books to read? I have a wide range of interests when it comes to books lately thanks to my Nook and Barnes and Noble’s free eBooks, but the kind easiest for me to get into is science fiction. It’s what I grew up reading from my dad’s personal library and it’s always been easy for me to look ahead to the stars and the far future to a strange yet familiar world(s).
9. Dogs or cats? Oh definitely cats. I love dachshunds but cats will always be my favorite. I love the way they can curl up to half their size or stretch out to twice their length. My son also has an absurd love of cats and fear of dogs. My sister’s dachshund George he loves and mildly terrorizes, but other dogs make him run in unsure fear while cats he will immediately try to pet, hold or love on.
10. What do you hope to achieve by writing a blog? Mostly I write for myself or to share my thoughts on things with whoever reads. Mostly I’d like to show others in my situation (of a single parent) that not only are they not alone, what they’re doing isn’t “wrong” regardless of past choices. My bad decisions have been made by not just me but by countless others. We all fail, we all have triumphs, but we’re all also together. This isn’t a competition, it’s a team sport. Most importantly, I hope to make a change in the life of at least one person. If I make their day just a little brighter, if somehow my words encourage them to do something they hadn’t decided to do to make their lives better, or if it’s nothing more than, “Wow. So it’s not just me?” I’ll be okay with that.
11. Introverted, extroverted, or somewhere in between? Um… LOL Both? Majorly both at the same time? I talk so much it’s insane, but what goes on inside my head is nothing compared the amount of words that pass my lips. There are definitely people who think they know me since I’m so free with what I share, but it’s certainly the tip of the iceberg. Online where I can hide behind my screen I’m quite the extrovert. In social situations, I fade into the background still as unsure of myself as I was at 13.


Okay, listed below are the 11 questions I'd like to see answered. Some of them are quite personal. I ask them because they are things I'd love to know about you but if you're not comfortable answering any of them, just say so and leave it at that. :o)


1. If you have kids, what do you find yourself saying to them that your parents said to you that you swore you'd never say? If you don't have kids, same question but instead of "to your kids," "to other people?"
2. What is your favorite (relatively recent) picture of you? Why?
3. Name one parenting topic that really gets you going? Do you side with the majority, the minority, or no one?
4. What is your guilty pleasure? Be honest!
5. How often do you mop in your house? LOL
6. Are you happy in your relationship (or lack thereof)? If not, what do you wish you had the guts to do to change it?
7. When was the last time you watched a sunset or wished on a star with all your heart?
8. What's one of your biggest fears in regards to your child(ren) or future child(ren)? If no kids (and don't want them), how about a fear for your future?
9. I'm gonna borrow some words from Jewel here and ask if you could tell the world one thing, what would it be?
10. When was the last time you saw a movie in a theater sans kids? Is there one out or coming soon you really want to see?
11. When you feel sad or down, what do you do to cheer yourself up?


I'm picking some people I regularly interact with on Twitter and Facebook since I hear from them most often. Some I don't really interact with, but I'd love to see their responses to my questions!

Monique at Razing Mayhem @MayhemMatriarch
Liz at Six Year Itch @sixyearitch
Jen at A Day In the Life...
Keri at Quick-Witted and Witty @skeri
The Biz at And All That Biz @That_Biz (edit: SHE'S BACK on Twitter! YAY!)
Brooke at Some Days Is Like That @SchoolmarmDE
Michael at A Daddy Blog @adaddyblog


Anyone else who happens upon this blog is welcome to respond via their own post or merely answer the questions in the comments. I think these questions can reveal a lot while still allowing you to keep your mystery... ;o)

Timeless Words From My Past

Here is a journal entry I wrote on November 8th, 2004. It was titled, "If you think I don't love you well then you're just wrong." I was listening to Counting Crows and Sister Hazel while writing it. I love this and always have and felt it was time to once again show it the light of day and pull it out of the dungeon that is Live Journal. :P

I hope tomorrow is like today. It was a thick golden liquid warming my skin while I sat in a chair and read a book. When I went outside the sun was warming the chilled air that caressed my skin but did nothing to warm my toes that felt the cold dirt and grass as I walked aimlessly around the backyard. My heart beating in my chest with the childish certainty that my life could be and is as poetic as the book I had just read. It beat with an irrational knowledge that everything that happened to me and because of me was important and perfect and full of golden life, real and beautiful. Even mundane talk with [boyfriend at the time] was full, ripe, and juicy with life and my living body. I felt that way for the better part of today and most acutely for the hour or so after I finished reading that book. I was constantly on the verge of tears, constantly wondering if my life was as beautiful as my heart felt that it was. I felt in my skin and my clothes and my self as beautiful as my heart felt. No amount of weight or lack of self-esteem could change that feeling. I want to feel like that all the time. I want to feel limber and lithe and smooth and soft and girlish. I don't want to feel heavy, drained, pained or pessimistically mortal. I want that sharp ... juiciness (what other way is there to describe it?) that makes me understand that this time is temporary and that there's no use dragging it down and being angry about big things, much less petty things. I can't get past that word, "juicy," ha-ha... What other word could I use? Plump, pregnant, full, round, PRESENT. It's hard describing how I felt because it has faded and I'm desperately trying to catch it and pull it back. I'm afraid that if I read the book again too soon or too many times it will lose its magic and be unable to make me feel that way again.

That's why I hope tomorrow is like today. I hope the sun shines as warmly, the breeze swirls as coolly. I want to walk as far as my legs will take me and sit down wherever I am to enjoy the human fullness of the city (or suburb, whatever the case may be). I want to cram a life into a day and enjoy every bit of it. I want to sit on my bed in my room alone and write tortured but hopeful poetry while listening to songs written and sung by scarred poets who had lived through something painful that I wanted for myself. I want to fall in love, I want to be in love, I want to be with the one I love, I want to be with my children, I want to play with my friends, I want to be with my family (all of them), I want everything all at once. I want the learning of school, the harshness of growing up, the uncertainty of parenthood, the joy of love, the pain of longing, the comfort of an embrace with my lover. I want to experience an entire life and then come back to mine

Someone is bound to say, "Not everything has to be prominent, purposeful, meaningful, or ripe with life." But it does! EVERYTHING has to be golden and ripe and meaningful. If it isn't, you'll toss it out without thinking about it. The memory of the day you went driving around aimlessly with no goal or destination while your best friend sat beside you will fade away and you'll never realize it. The long talks about nothing as the sun turned orange and turned the day to melting riches will be forgotten. The laughter you shared will fade from your memory because it was a mundane day that you took for granted. You have to understand that every day is full and ready for the picking. Even if you're angry, if you're crying or dancing, the day is plump with life, ripe with mortality that lasts less than a hundred years while the afterlife lasts for the rest of eternity.

I wish I had the motivation to live life like every second was a grape that I had to pick and eat and enjoy before it shriveled into an inedible raisin, devoid of emotion or the pulse of life. I can only hope that I will be able to get rid of the always lingering bad mood/bad attitude that haunts me at work. I want to be nice to people, to the managers. I want to be sweet and liked and alive.

I want to live. I want everything that life has to offer and I want to take it and know that my experiences and emotions and motivations are my own and no one else's

Just because I want to live and pulse with bubbling life, doesn't mean I'll never be sad. It doesn't mean I won't allow myself to be sad. I don’t mean I don't want to be sad. Because pain is a part of life and it, as well as laughter, is proof that you are alive and feeling. As long as you feel the pain and then let it go. You have to feel it, for growing numb takes away the laughter of life, not just the pain. After feeling the pain and not allowing it to numb you, let it go. If you hold on to it, it will embitter you. The pain will become your life and everything will be an affront to you and your 'precious,' your pain and suffering. The center of your life should always be yourself, your loved one(s) or your God (religions say your God comes first). That way you always have something to take care of. If you let the center of your life be pain or loss then your entire life will be nothing but pain and loss, you'll never see the sun turn molten as it sets in the nest of the earth, crowned with blues, purples and oranges... You'll only see the death of the day, the birth of the cold, mean, lonely night.

I think this is what they mean by "turning over a new leaf" except that I'll wait until it actually happens before I say it. I've found the leaf that I want to claim as my own but I don't know if I can turn it. It's like an old car on a cold morning. I have to nurse it along, encourage the feeling, pet it and sweet talk it into taking hold. And when it does, I'll hold onto it like a mother to a child: With all the gentleness of fragile care, but with the tenacity and forcefulness of love.

"Rapture in the Fall"

On the streets in August

When the leaves are gold and green

The breezes and warmth still flowing through

As I sit down on a swing…

Liquid gold caressing my skin

The cold encompassing my feet.

I’m drinking in the coming fall

And my heart has just begun to beat.

The sun is setting behind houses and trees

Into the nest of the earth

Crowned with colors not yet named

The night waiting to give birth.

                                                                ~Kathryn, 21

Almost seven years later, I read this and was still astounded. This is one of my absolute favorite journal entries and poems that have ever come out of my brain. Did I ever turn over that new leaf? No, I did not. But God sort of turned it for me when I had my son almost two years ago. I’m much more aware of passing time and holding on to moments as they go by. Yes I’m still guilty of wishing days away and saying I “can’t wait” until this or that day. Sometimes I rush my son through our bedtime “routine” (me playing with him in his room for a while) so that I can get online or just plain go to sleep. It’s all about being human, being forgiving and loving. My life isn’t perfect nor would I expect anyone to believe my life is horrible. It’s just pretty average. All the same, I find myself sitting in a moment thinking, “I wish I could live in this moment for years and years.” The book I was referring to is The LovelyBones by Alice Sebold. She is an amazing writer and has inspired me to not only make a millionth attempt at writing (something I’ve been doing since I was about 10), but to live my life in a much more meaningful way. I recommend this book (but not the movie) to anyone, male or female, teenager to senior citizen. The movie, as tends to happen, lessens the passion and emotion of the book and leaves out so much that makes the book as inspiring as it was to me.

The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold

Is there a book you would recommend that moved you?

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder... And All That Jazz

So, I've been slacking in my blog posts. Well, not so much slacking as trying to get through this month alive and intact. A lot of stuff has been happening and I'm just trying to stay above water over here. Between leaving my job at the drugstore and taking a job as a pizza delivery girl (oh, the joy), trying to find an apartment to move to and desperately hoping I can come up with the money to fix my car so I can pass inspection and therefore keep my job, I haven't had much time to write out anything worth sharing.


My sister and brother-in-law recently came to stay with me for a while until they get back on their feet and my sister has a dachshund she's had since he was a teeny tiny puppy, about 8 years. There's no way she could part with him and I'd never ask that of her. We hid the little man as long as we could. It was pretty easy since he's old and really quiet. Well, my crazy landlady found out and requested my 30 day notice. So now the race is on to find an apartment that I can afford, will allow pets and isn't totally in the ghetto. That last part is pretty difficult since most of the nearest "city" is ghetto. I put city in quotes because this is a very small area and there has been a mass exodus of the population and many businesses going on for about 5 years. I may have a lead and I keep following up on it because I haven't gotten a call or email back on about 10 other apartments I've inquired about.

I left the drugstore and took the next available job as a pizza delivery person. It's not too bad, although the pay is significantly less than they led me to believe, both in the ad as well as in person at the restaurant. I made fast friends with a guy there only to learn he's leaving to pursue other, better interests. I'm not too sure when exactly he's leaving, but seeing as he is the only person there I really connected with, it's just another push to keep avidly job hunting. I'm trying very hard to save from my paychecks as well as my daily take home of tips and mileage. The good new is, after only 4 or 5 days there (including the 2 days I was off) they want to train me on cooking food and running the shifts. Which is great! Except for the 12 to 13 hour days. That is a huge drawback. While most of my workday would be while Ick is sleeping, I already spend most of my mornings with him barely conscious and wishing I was asleep instead of spending precious quality time with my one and only baby.

The inspection on my car was up in February and since I have to have a valid inspection on my car to drive for the restaurant, I decided it was time to take it in. Well, in order to pass inspection, the greedy eyed mechanic told me I needed to replace both bearings in the front, the front brake shoes and pads and replace the gas filler neck tube that rusted out early this past winter. I took my car to a very nice, honest mechanic that I've used before and he added control arm to the list of things to fix. Well, the first guy told me the cheapest he could find the gas filler tube was $181 used. I, however, found the same part brand-new online for all of $70 with shipping. It should arrive tomorrow and if I can save anything at all, I'll get that put on right away. The estimated total for fixing my car came to $800. Yowza! But it is much cheaper than buying another car.

In addition to all of those expensive repairs, I have to replace my TN license with a NYS license or my car insurance will drop me. To get a NYS license from another state, I have to pay another $70 as well as show about 15 different kinds of identification not including my TN license. I'm only sad to part with it because it is the most beautiful picture of me ever taken! No joke. And that's not an easy thing to accomplish!

Add to all that the usual bills that are way too high for this place. $200 electric bill, $90 quarterly water bill, $50 cell phone prepaid card, $50 internet bill. My output is so much higher than my income! Hence the continuing to look for another job.

So clearly my life has been pretty hectic and stressful to say nothing of the lack of support (financial or otherwise) from my baby's pointless "father." I won't even get started on that topic, it will only make me even more upset and stressed out. So hopefully I'll be back soon with an informative, interesting post that is a little more upbeat than this one.