Dance Everyday: Day #4

Today I danced just to dance!

I was happy but tired all day.

I got a burrito for dinner from my second favorite burrito place.

My son ate his whole dinner! Big wow there!

I even managed to get a couple of errands done and that always feels good.

I will get some pictures or videos of me dancing this month, I promise! In the meantime, I hope you're able to find a reason, any reason, to dance. At the very least, find a way to give someone else a reason to dance. You are all awesome, you just have to show it! And now for your viewing pleasure, a pep talk from Kid President!

Dance Every Day: Day #1

I'm not going to post every day because that would be boring and because I will never remember to do so! However, today is my first day of finding something to dance about every day.

February 1, 2014:

Today started out terribly after checking the discussion board for one of my online literature classes. The teacher had absolutely nothing nice to say about anything I wrote. All he did was tell me I did it wrong, but gave no indication of what he thought of my thoughts or points of view on the stories. That made me feel pretty crappy, let me tell you. But I vented to my sister, emailed the teacher and got a snarky reply from him. 

*sigh*

Oh, well. I can't make other people change, right? I can only change myself? So on went my day full of Disney Jr. on TV, Rift on my computer, and fighting my kid to take a nap.

But!

I still found a reason to dance. I sent my son to bed late because we napped until 6pm (whoops... but, man, was it nice!). He didn't go to sleep right away but he was really quiet so I went in, got him out of bed and asked him to come to another room with me. :) He was nervous until I started asking him to dance with me. We did the Hot Dog Dance from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, the Hokey Pokey, and If You're Happy and You Know it. He thought it was hilarious and I thought it was so worth it! Afterwards I found that he'd ripped my bedclothes apart, unplugged my clock and electric blanket, and dug through my side table drawer and took out anything mildly interesting (such as my old phone and a pillow cover not out of the box yet). He was duly reprimanded (fat lot of good that does) and we both were highly disappointed.

But for ten glorious minutes we were dancing, giggling, and enjoying each other. Those are the memories we'll each keep. I hope.

Did you find a reason to dance today? Did you do something to give someone else a reason to dance?

Inspiration

I've been caught up in Kid President's inspiring speeches. Some of my absolute favorite quotes are:

"Do something every day to give someone a reason to dance!" - Kid President

"You're made from love, to be loved, to spread love!" Kid President

So I've decided to embark on a project of sorts.... For the month of February, I am going to find one thing every day to dance about. Happy dance, victory dance, silly dance, whatever. At least once a day I'm going to dance about something. Hopefully it'll help give me a more positive outlook on my life and give perspective on the small things that drive me insane.

During this project, I will try to get pictures or videos of my silliness. If I don't, it's because there was no one to see it or no one but my 4 year old!

Unfortunately my blog is often neglected but that's because I'm too busy rocking my college classes! Hah! I'm also a club president, full-time supplemental instructor at the college and a part time tutor. I've got a lot on my plate right now. Even my kid asks me not to go to work half the time.

We all do what we have to in order to make the world more awesome. I'm going to dance. Maybe other people will make fun of me but maybe some will see how much fun I'm having and will join in!

I'd love it if you joined in!

Wanderlust

That's probably not the right word for it, but it feels like that.

I want to drive and keep going.

I want to see the sights, buy souvenirs, and laugh with the window open and the radio up.

I want to see a new town and meet new people who don't know me.

I want to see who I could be in someone else's eyes.

The endless potential of a friendly stranger

But I want more than that.

I want a father for my son.

I want that father to be a good man to me.

I want friends who will come by for coffee. Who want to talk to me and actually do talk to me.

I want to know that even though we're busy we can find half an hour to catch up.

I want to go shopping and not buy anything but try on everything.

I want it all.

It feels like a lot to ask but at the same time like it's not quite enough.

I really am happy with my life.

But for tonight I'm going to dream of open highway, someone special in the passenger seat and my little man giggling from the backseat. I'm going to dream of walking through the fall trees as they shed their gorgeous leaves and of hot apple cider. I'll dream of kisses, open windows and loud music. I'll dream of finding a place where my desire to leave it all behind finally lays down and stops pulling at me.

No matter where I go, there I am.

The only thing I can't escape is myself.

And now you know the kernel of truth behind my wanderlust.

Timeless Words From My Past

Here is a journal entry I wrote on November 8th, 2004. It was titled, "If you think I don't love you well then you're just wrong." I was listening to Counting Crows and Sister Hazel while writing it. I love this and always have and felt it was time to once again show it the light of day and pull it out of the dungeon that is Live Journal. :P

I hope tomorrow is like today. It was a thick golden liquid warming my skin while I sat in a chair and read a book. When I went outside the sun was warming the chilled air that caressed my skin but did nothing to warm my toes that felt the cold dirt and grass as I walked aimlessly around the backyard. My heart beating in my chest with the childish certainty that my life could be and is as poetic as the book I had just read. It beat with an irrational knowledge that everything that happened to me and because of me was important and perfect and full of golden life, real and beautiful. Even mundane talk with [boyfriend at the time] was full, ripe, and juicy with life and my living body. I felt that way for the better part of today and most acutely for the hour or so after I finished reading that book. I was constantly on the verge of tears, constantly wondering if my life was as beautiful as my heart felt that it was. I felt in my skin and my clothes and my self as beautiful as my heart felt. No amount of weight or lack of self-esteem could change that feeling. I want to feel like that all the time. I want to feel limber and lithe and smooth and soft and girlish. I don't want to feel heavy, drained, pained or pessimistically mortal. I want that sharp ... juiciness (what other way is there to describe it?) that makes me understand that this time is temporary and that there's no use dragging it down and being angry about big things, much less petty things. I can't get past that word, "juicy," ha-ha... What other word could I use? Plump, pregnant, full, round, PRESENT. It's hard describing how I felt because it has faded and I'm desperately trying to catch it and pull it back. I'm afraid that if I read the book again too soon or too many times it will lose its magic and be unable to make me feel that way again.

That's why I hope tomorrow is like today. I hope the sun shines as warmly, the breeze swirls as coolly. I want to walk as far as my legs will take me and sit down wherever I am to enjoy the human fullness of the city (or suburb, whatever the case may be). I want to cram a life into a day and enjoy every bit of it. I want to sit on my bed in my room alone and write tortured but hopeful poetry while listening to songs written and sung by scarred poets who had lived through something painful that I wanted for myself. I want to fall in love, I want to be in love, I want to be with the one I love, I want to be with my children, I want to play with my friends, I want to be with my family (all of them), I want everything all at once. I want the learning of school, the harshness of growing up, the uncertainty of parenthood, the joy of love, the pain of longing, the comfort of an embrace with my lover. I want to experience an entire life and then come back to mine

Someone is bound to say, "Not everything has to be prominent, purposeful, meaningful, or ripe with life." But it does! EVERYTHING has to be golden and ripe and meaningful. If it isn't, you'll toss it out without thinking about it. The memory of the day you went driving around aimlessly with no goal or destination while your best friend sat beside you will fade away and you'll never realize it. The long talks about nothing as the sun turned orange and turned the day to melting riches will be forgotten. The laughter you shared will fade from your memory because it was a mundane day that you took for granted. You have to understand that every day is full and ready for the picking. Even if you're angry, if you're crying or dancing, the day is plump with life, ripe with mortality that lasts less than a hundred years while the afterlife lasts for the rest of eternity.

I wish I had the motivation to live life like every second was a grape that I had to pick and eat and enjoy before it shriveled into an inedible raisin, devoid of emotion or the pulse of life. I can only hope that I will be able to get rid of the always lingering bad mood/bad attitude that haunts me at work. I want to be nice to people, to the managers. I want to be sweet and liked and alive.

I want to live. I want everything that life has to offer and I want to take it and know that my experiences and emotions and motivations are my own and no one else's

Just because I want to live and pulse with bubbling life, doesn't mean I'll never be sad. It doesn't mean I won't allow myself to be sad. I don’t mean I don't want to be sad. Because pain is a part of life and it, as well as laughter, is proof that you are alive and feeling. As long as you feel the pain and then let it go. You have to feel it, for growing numb takes away the laughter of life, not just the pain. After feeling the pain and not allowing it to numb you, let it go. If you hold on to it, it will embitter you. The pain will become your life and everything will be an affront to you and your 'precious,' your pain and suffering. The center of your life should always be yourself, your loved one(s) or your God (religions say your God comes first). That way you always have something to take care of. If you let the center of your life be pain or loss then your entire life will be nothing but pain and loss, you'll never see the sun turn molten as it sets in the nest of the earth, crowned with blues, purples and oranges... You'll only see the death of the day, the birth of the cold, mean, lonely night.

I think this is what they mean by "turning over a new leaf" except that I'll wait until it actually happens before I say it. I've found the leaf that I want to claim as my own but I don't know if I can turn it. It's like an old car on a cold morning. I have to nurse it along, encourage the feeling, pet it and sweet talk it into taking hold. And when it does, I'll hold onto it like a mother to a child: With all the gentleness of fragile care, but with the tenacity and forcefulness of love.

"Rapture in the Fall"

On the streets in August

When the leaves are gold and green

The breezes and warmth still flowing through

As I sit down on a swing…

Liquid gold caressing my skin

The cold encompassing my feet.

I’m drinking in the coming fall

And my heart has just begun to beat.

The sun is setting behind houses and trees

Into the nest of the earth

Crowned with colors not yet named

The night waiting to give birth.

                                                                ~Kathryn, 21

Almost seven years later, I read this and was still astounded. This is one of my absolute favorite journal entries and poems that have ever come out of my brain. Did I ever turn over that new leaf? No, I did not. But God sort of turned it for me when I had my son almost two years ago. I’m much more aware of passing time and holding on to moments as they go by. Yes I’m still guilty of wishing days away and saying I “can’t wait” until this or that day. Sometimes I rush my son through our bedtime “routine” (me playing with him in his room for a while) so that I can get online or just plain go to sleep. It’s all about being human, being forgiving and loving. My life isn’t perfect nor would I expect anyone to believe my life is horrible. It’s just pretty average. All the same, I find myself sitting in a moment thinking, “I wish I could live in this moment for years and years.” The book I was referring to is The LovelyBones by Alice Sebold. She is an amazing writer and has inspired me to not only make a millionth attempt at writing (something I’ve been doing since I was about 10), but to live my life in a much more meaningful way. I recommend this book (but not the movie) to anyone, male or female, teenager to senior citizen. The movie, as tends to happen, lessens the passion and emotion of the book and leaves out so much that makes the book as inspiring as it was to me.

The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold

Is there a book you would recommend that moved you?

The Start of Something New

Today, March 21^st, I started a diet: the Atkins Diet. If you want more information, please visit the Atkins website as I will not be addressing any issues or misunderstandings you may have about this diet. I will be addressing my personal struggle to lose weight and keep it off for my health and for a better life for my little family.

I am starting in “Induction” where I am limited to 20 carbs per day. Today I only had about 11 total carbs. That includes my breakfast, snack, drinks and dinner. I did not have lunch today only because of the timing of my day. Between falling asleep on the couch and the nap I took (yup, both, lol), there wasn’t time for lunch, but the snack did just fine. What did I eat? Well, sausage, eggs with cheese, fresh tomatoes for breakfast. Snack was cheese cubes and a couple of pickles. Dinner was meatloaf (with a bit of ketchup and cheese on top) and green beans. I drank coffee, tea (both with Splenda), Powerade Zero (mmm so good) and Diet Sunkist.

Don’t worry; these posts about my battle with weight loss will not be a food diary! I have one for my personal use and will not be boring the general public with a list of foods. However, sometimes I will absolutely list what I’m eating as a way to help you understand what Atkins is all about. Also, it’ll help in understanding my effort.

First off I need to admit something. I love junk. Chips, chocolate, bread, pasta… I could go on. When I’m at work, I eat candy and chips like it’s my last day on earth. Sesame crackers, Ritz crackers, Cheez-Its, they all are great snacks to grab a handful and head off to another task. But, since they are loaded with sodium, empty carbs and calories, they are terrible for my body and my metabolism. Luckily, there are snacks that are available at my job that are in line with Atkins. Also, after the first few weeks, I can enjoy some sugar free candy! My favorite part about this diet is that I don’t have to do without the treats that make a woman’s stressful days a little easier.

I went on Atkins once before and lost about 25 pounds in two months. It was great! There was a noticeable difference in my face and my stomach. My shirts and pants fit better and looked better! This time, however, I will not be “taking a break” since that’s what killed the diet last time. I went on vacation and when I came back, I never went back on Atkins. One thing that has stuck with me, however, is since then I have only drunk diet sodas (for the most part). I actually prefer Diet Dr Pepper, Diet Sunkist, Diet Mountain Dew and Diet Root Beer, in that order, to any other sodas. So that's at least one thing I won't have to change.

Like a lot of women who don’t feel comfortable in their own bodies, I feel awkward and ungraceful. I have gained weight since I was pregnant and after I had my son, did not lose any of it, but instead gained it back. Right now I weigh about what I did when I was 9 months pregnant and waiting to pop any day. I am much clumsier than I used to be and my body is feeling the strain.

When I have a long day at work, it’s not just my feet that hurt. One of my knees has started complaining and I have sciatica which has led to a heel spur in turn causing plantar fasciitis. By the end of the day, I can barely stand the 7 minute drive from work to my house because of my back and feet. A huge goal of mine in this endeavor is to feel better. Plain and simple, I want to stop the aches and pains that come with too much weight on a body’s frame.

At this point in my life, I realize that if I wait much longer, it will be harder to lose weight. I would like to enter my 30s as a happier, healthier and more comfortable me. I look forward to my mini goals (like my friend’s summer wedding in June and the day I realize I have more energy) and my ultimate goal which is to lose 165 to 185 pounds. The window is large (no pun intended) because when I get close to my goal weight, it won’t be a number, it’ll be how I look that determines when to adjust my carb intake.

You are not a number. Neither am I. We are not defined by our age, generation or weight. Do not let anyone label you against your will. You define who you are. I define myself. I am losing weight because it’s what I want and I truly believe that it will make me happier. I also believe it will make me healthier and that is something that is priceless when compared to what it will mean to quality time with my son and other family. I stand by what I’ve said before: There is no greater love than improving yourself for the betterment of your family and yourself.