Like the Plague...

I don't mean to avoid writing...

I've been in school for almost a full 365 days. I started taking classes last May in the summer semester and have just now completed the spring semester.

For a year I tried to keep up this blog. For a year I thought I could do it all: school, Mom, blog, house, and everything else that goes along with those, but it's become clear that I can't.

Now that I have time, there's this irrational fear of writing anything. I find good topics all the time. I have ideas constantly. But the moment I sit at my computer, it's 100% avoidance of anything real. I play FB games, watch episodes of Kitchen Nightmares and Grey's Anatomy.

I don't know what I'm afraid of or why I seem to have given up. I hope I can break through this weird self-imposed block soon.

In the meantime, thanks so much for sticking around. You're so sweet.

I haven't forgotten about you...

... But I just haven't had the time or inspiration to post anything.

However, I've decided that it doesn't matter right now. I have to write something or explode. I'm not taking an English class this semester so I don't have a major creative outlet. I do have some awesome news, though!

I've been invited to join the Honor Society also known as Phi Theta Kappa. Phi Theta Kappa is the national honor society for two-year colleges. This a big deal for me because I've never been in an honor society. High school was nothing more than a prison in which to bide my time and pray for release.

I have also gotten permission to take the next education class in addition to its pre-requisite I'm currently taking. So next semester I will be a little bit ahead of the game. Both classes require 15 hours of observation of infants/toddlers and preschoolers making it a total of 30 hours (they can't both count for the same time unfortunately). I've also joined the education club at school giving me some great experience and resume padding.

And finally, I'm also tutoring with my school's Learning Center. I'm part of a new program called "Supplemental Instruction." The developmental math class can be taken as a regular class or as a "lab" class where you work at your own pace. Because the teacher spends so much time grading and students can have questions on any of the 6 chapters, the school has decided to put tutors in some of the lab classes and see how it works. For me, it's a wonderful opportunity to work on my teaching skills. For the students, they get another person to help them instead of having to wait for the however many people in front of them to get their turn.

Basically, I'm at school from 9am to 5:30pm almost every weekday. That doesn't include study time and homework time or my one online class. 19.5 credit hours, 30 hours of observation (over the course of the semester), 10 hours/week for work study, 9 hours/week for tutoring, one hour a month for club meetings (not counting the events that we schedule and participate in like the three day conference), and all of the extra-curriculars that go into being a member of the Honor Society. And no way on earth could I forget my kid, that loud, rambunctious 3-year-old.

I think I might have my hands full.

In the time since I last mentioned anything about my life:

- I edited a book for classmate. She is self-publishing and it will be available in paperback and ebook format in 6-8 weeks. It's a Christian novella about a girl who is in the depths of her personal hell. Through the love of God and His followers, she is brought to know Christ and the forgiveness He offers.

-I tutored a gentleman who is studying for his physician's assistant boards. It was wildly unsuccessful. His ad said he needed someone to grade practice tests and write out flashcards. That is NOTHING near what he asked me to do. But he and I agreed that I couldn't continue due to my own obligations and my ignorance of the material.

-Christmas happened. It was sad in one way and happily glorious in every other way. I can't wait until a Christmas comes where I can actually buy gifts for my son and any other family who may be with me.

-New Years happened. I believe I was asleep before 11pm.

-I worked at the college over the break despite the job being for work study. Usually the job ends when finals start and doesn't start again until the next semester but they got permission to let me work over the break. It was mostly fun and at times boring.

THE most exciting part of what's been happening:

ICK IS POTTY TRAINED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One day I said, "We don't have any diapers for the daytime, only for the nighttime." He took it in stride and had ONE accident and ONE purposeful poop in his undies.

Last weekend I let him nap in his undies. SUCCESS! The last three nights he's slept in his undies. SUCCESS!!!!

I cannot be ANY happier! I have a HUGE bag of unused diapers and I know just who to give it to! I can finally get those nasty things out of my house!

The length of this post is why I should never go months without writing. Thanks for sticking around. Those of you who read this are my inspiration for continuing the work that is college, especially for a single mom and a woman who is older than most of her instructors. You are my inspiration for overcoming my fears of inferiority and knowing that I *can* do this. Not just for me but for my adorably obnoxious son! So thank you for reading and giving such wonderful encouragement.

Wanderlust

That's probably not the right word for it, but it feels like that.

I want to drive and keep going.

I want to see the sights, buy souvenirs, and laugh with the window open and the radio up.

I want to see a new town and meet new people who don't know me.

I want to see who I could be in someone else's eyes.

The endless potential of a friendly stranger

But I want more than that.

I want a father for my son.

I want that father to be a good man to me.

I want friends who will come by for coffee. Who want to talk to me and actually do talk to me.

I want to know that even though we're busy we can find half an hour to catch up.

I want to go shopping and not buy anything but try on everything.

I want it all.

It feels like a lot to ask but at the same time like it's not quite enough.

I really am happy with my life.

But for tonight I'm going to dream of open highway, someone special in the passenger seat and my little man giggling from the backseat. I'm going to dream of walking through the fall trees as they shed their gorgeous leaves and of hot apple cider. I'll dream of kisses, open windows and loud music. I'll dream of finding a place where my desire to leave it all behind finally lays down and stops pulling at me.

No matter where I go, there I am.

The only thing I can't escape is myself.

And now you know the kernel of truth behind my wanderlust.

College, Work, Birthday and Life...

Life is very full these days. I'm not complaining because I love it. I'm in school where I belong and pursuing a degree I've wanted almost my whole life. I'm taking 6 classes and 4 are online. Those 4 require a large amount of reading, studying and writing. My education class on campus is a lot of reading, classroom observations of a 3rd grade class and long term projects. I've applied to 4 jobs at school as part of the work study program, too. So I'll have 18 hours of classes, 15 hours a week to work, my son, my family and my home. That's a lot!

But I'm doing well and for that I'm grateful. I'm also proud because I've been working very hard and I've been invited to join the Honors Society once I complete this semester. My next goal is to make the President's List. Honors Society is a GPA of 3.5 or more and 12 or more credit hours and the President's List is a GPA of 3.75 or more and 12 or more credit hours. My GPA is a 3.7.

I know what I want and what my family needs and I'm working on it.

I turned 29 today. :o) This is the last age I'll ever be. Starting next year I will be celebrating anniversaries of my 29th birthday. My best friend Shaggy says I have to at least celebrate "Dirty 30," but I can't make her understand that I won't be turning 30. I'll be celebrating the first anniversary of my 29th birthday. I'm only half kidding. When I was a teenager I thought people being "ashamed" of their age was ridiculous and I still do. At this point in my life, I'm sad that I'm so close to 30 and there are so many things I  haven't accomplished.

But I'm not ashamed. I've earned the candles on my cake and I won't be afraid to tell people exactly how old I am.

That doesn't mean I can't joke about it.

I feel my life coming together slowly but at least I can feel it. I've never felt it before and I have to tell you: It's magical. To envision a goal and watch it unfold at my hands and because of my own hard work is glorious.

You know what else is glorious? The sound of my son singing. He can't carry a tune in a bucket, but he's getting better. He knows about 5 songs and I love having him sing to me. Tonight he "read" me his 5 Wishing Stars book. He managed to tell a story about each page and as I watched his face I kept in mind every blog post I'd ever read about vanishing moments and our babies growing up. He looked so serious telling me about the sheep and what they were wishing for before they went to sleep. His sweet baby voice didn't make me sad or nostalgic. I did what some people wish they had done more of.

I watched him, listened intently and basked in the glow of the boy he's growing into. I was fully present with him in bed as the light from the kitchen shined on his face and he imagined flocks of sheep at night making wishes on stars.

My life is full. I'm tired, stressed out, frustrated, short on time and money but I'm happy. I don't mean to slack off in the blogging department, especially after I wanted to try so hard to write twice a week, but sometimes, life happens.

Today is the first of October. Today is my birthday. Today is fall. Today my son sang me Happy Birthday. Today I scored higher than all my classmates on a test. Today I celebrated my life and myself and it was beautiful.

Hello, October, my old friend. I'm so glad to see Fall is with you. Please stay a while. Linger over coffee on the porch while we watch the rain. Don't leave too soon like the years before. The colors of your garments bring me peace and warmth.

Procrastination and Its Fruits

Edit: The following is the comment from my teacher after grading my essay:"Kathryn,
Your personal narrative essay based on the exercise describing your educational goals has earn this enthusiastic A for the excellent development of your academic background and current efforts to achieve your plans for the future. It is easy to see why you were once enrolled In a creative writing course. Bravo, Kathryn!
The elements of first-person viewpoint and effective storytelling will be prominent features of upcoming assignments.  Your next opportunity to practice these skills will be in the process assignments due this coming week. I look forward to reading." 

The following essay is the first major essay assigned by my English 101 Composition class in my first semester returning to college. The assignment is a personal narrative essay and the topic is Where and How to Learn: My Educational Background. Basically, what's your background and attitude, how did it change, what changed it, how did you learn from your experiences and what is your attitude now? I am very proud of this work as far as style and content. I hope you enjoy it as well. 

     As I sit here looking at my assignment board full of multicolored reminders of what is due when, it’s like coming home: I’m comfortable, confident and I know it’s where I should be. My deep love of learning and all the trappings that come with it have been denied for years due to an overwhelming apathy. Horace Greeley said it precisely, “Apathy is a sort of living oblivion. “

     My mother passed away when I was eight, my father and step-mother were less than stellar in my eyes and I grew wary of their military and college educated, 9-5 lives. When I was barely into my double digits I decided I wanted to be a teacher and a mother in whatever order they managed to happen. I’d loved every teacher I ever had and longed to prove that I could be a better parent than those I was stuck with and the one who “left me behind,” as I saw it through my childish eyes. As time wore on and I grew up, I lost all passion in the struggle to live in a place where I felt unloved and utterly miserable. I focused on friends and ignored school enough to do well without excelling.

     In 2001 I graduated from my Dallas, TX high school as apathetic as it’s possible to be. We had all heard from parents and teachers that after high school you go to college; no reason why, that’s just how it’s done. My apathy led to enrollment in a community college because I’d never applied to any universities, leading to years of more apathy and procrastination.

     I knew I wanted to be a teacher but I was consumed with life. I had a job, my own apartment, dreams of my own car and friends who were not in school. I went to college the fall after graduation but failed a couple of classes for poor attendance and not turning in homework. I still had the bad habit of apathetic procrastination. I slept through 8am classes, didn’t turn in essays for creative writing, and dropped a history class. I went back the following fall with the same results. I skipped my evening class because after work I was too tired to go or wanted to hang out with my roommate and friends. I thought, “I pay for school with no financial aid or help from anyone. Who cares? I’m not wasting anyone’s money but mine, so what difference does it make?” So I decided that perhaps school wasn’t where I needed to be. I made enough money in my retail jobs to get by and still have a little fun.

     For eight years I moved around to many states including Florida, Tennessee and North Carolina. I stayed with family and friends and worked until I found myself in Central New York forced to stay due to personal circumstances. I’d moved to Utica because I knew someone here and thought it was as good a place as any. In the four years I was here I moved away and back twice. The last time I moved away was four days after the birth of my son, James. His father fought for shared custody of this tiny being that had depended solely on me since his creation, and a court order brought me back to Utica in the hopes I would be here just long enough to win custody and go back to my job with a promising future and family surrounding me. Almost three years and three custody losses later I was unemployed, still formally uneducated and desperate for a court acceptable reason to leave Utica. Despite zero involvement with his son and a total disregard for the custody he’d fought for, my son’s dad won every time I tried to get the judge to understand my reasoning for wanting to leave. The apathy had disappeared the moment I laid eyes on my own little miracle, and I knew my life needed direction with me taking the lead. But procrastination is a habit that’s a little harder to break.

     Every January for three years I applied to MVCC and faithfully completed my FAFSA and TAP applications, but since I’d always had a job I figured everything would be fine. The last job I held was great and it paid well. I thought it would turn into something permanent despite the “temporary/contract” tag on the end. I didn’t think I could handle a toddler, a full time job and full time schooling, anyway. When the contract was closed I knew there would be no more excuses because the decision had been made for me; I could live as a welfare mom, or make a change. January of this year, I redid my FAFSA and TAP applications; made sure I was still accepted to MVCC and got everything done. For fear I’d find a job and therefore another excuse to put off my life goals, I made sure to start as soon as possible: this summer.

     I had finally realized that if I wanted to leave this dying area and bring my son with me, I could no longer live paycheck to mouth and put off an education that would allow me to create a better life. I’ve always enjoyed learning even if I didn’t enjoy high school. Life experience has taught me that yes, you do go to college after high school, but it also taught me why: Even if you don’t immediately pursue a career, having that education opens more doors than simply a diploma. I still could have lived the life I had but with the option of settling down as soon as it was necessary. As it was, the life I lived was the only one I saw available to me without a college education.

     Looking around me I see the detritus of a parent. There are toys, dishes, clothes everywhere. Crayons and pens are scattered over scribbles drawn by the most precious fingers in the world. By working to realize my own pre-adolescent dreams of becoming a teacher in addition to the mother I already am, I know that MVCC is exactly where I need to be. All apathy has vanished and procrastination has no place here. Here is where I begin building the life I want and my son needs.

The more things stay the same...

Not counting the short #OWS post I made, I left this blog hanging on a very negative note. I'd like to rectify that, but not much has changed. I am at least able to feed my child (and well) so that is a huge load off my shoulders. However, it is exceedingly difficult to find work and that is where it hurts. Rent and bills are piling up (as well as multiple overdraft charges on my bank account for one bill) and it's starting to freak me out.

I got a call the other day from a staffing/temp agency and I'm looking forward to this job (working with students on processing their loans, but not exactly call-center work, thank GOD) working out. I want it so much it scares me a little bit. Wanting something so bad seems to push it further away. I'm praying about it and psyching myself up with preparing answers to the typical interview questions. I was also sent the computer tests for the agency, so I'll be working on those tomorrow while Ick is with his grandparents.

I asked my step-mother if she would help with bills and she said, "Well your father told you at the beginning (as in, when I had my son) that you couldn't support yourself much less a child and you insisted you could. But you're kind of proving him right. You know he won't let me send you any money." This from the woman who controls the money (and has since day one over 20 years ago). Also this is the first time in over two years I've asked for anything. My "father" also said I was white trash and so was my (deceased) mother's family and that's all my kid would ever grow up to be. When I asked him for the money for a lawyer way back when I was trying to not be forced into returning to Central New York, he said, "You shouldn't have had a kid and I hope they take him away from you." Am I surprised he doesn't want to help? No. Am I surprised my step-mother isn't sending something anyway? Yes. She's sent all kinds of things for my son (her ONLY grandchild in any form, and she has her own son who is married): homemade clothes and baby blankets, toys, etc. She also sewed a t-shirt quilt for me out of a bunch of my old shirts dating back from 4th grade. Clearly she has feelings for me and Ick, but I guess not deep enough to want to help keep us from living on the street.

"Are you really that close to that?" you're probably asking. Well, I still owe on November rent, leaving us short on December's as well and my landlord is losing patience quickly. So, yes. He's threatened me more than once and this apartment doesn't even pass codes.

I want to live in a house (apartment, whatever) that is actually decent for once. No uninsulated 3rd floor sucking up my heat (and money through the electricity/gas bill), no drug-dealer neighbor who has random people in and out of the building until well after 3am, no shouting matches in the common hallway at 7am about water leaks that only the landlord can fix.... I want a home which is something I've never had.

I want a job. I want to be able to go to the craft store and the dollar store and pick out some stuff to decorate my house for the appropriate season. I want to be able to do the crafty things I enjoy but can't do when I can't even pay my regular bills. I want to be able to pay for my cell phone without worrying that I'm spending money that should be going to a different bill and hope utilities stay on long enough for me to make up the difference.

I want to go to school and get a degree (still don't know in what) so that I can move forward with my life, not just along the same lines as the last ten years. I am willing and able to do all the work, studying and showing up that school requires.

I want to be happy. That's it, in a nutshell. As much as I love staying home with my son, that's not an option for me. I don't have a trust fund or lottery winnings. I don't have a husband or boyfriend who works and is willing to let me be a housewife. I, like countless others, have to juggle a toddler (alone), full time job, full time school and all the stresses that go along with that. I'm not complaining because at least I am healthy enough to be able to accomplish all of that. I have the capabilities, strength, intelligence and responsibility; For that I am immeasurably grateful.

But it all amounts to nothing when there is so much crap going on in the world that I cannot control. I can't blame the economy on all my problems because I can name quite a few that I brought on myself. Which, in all reality, is what makes this situation even worse. I look at it as punishment for my grievous mistakes and thank God that He didn't make me suffer more (which He could have). But the longer this goes on, the harder it is to bear. I'm sure in the Bible there are references to people trying to hide their faces from God in shame. That's me right now. I tried really hard to be positive and "give it up to God," but it felt fake to me. In my heart I knew that I was serving penance for my sins and that is something you cannot give to Him. It's like your parents making you do difficult chores as punishment, but as they watch you singing and dancing your way through them because you know they pretty much let you off the hook, they maybe start to think, "Perhaps I wasn't hard enough on them. Maybe they need something more to really drive home the point that they did something wrong so that they'll finally learn they can't do what they did."

Okay, so if I'm being totally honest (which I'm not, not really), that last bit came to me as I was writing this. But it feels right. That paragraph up there is so spot on that it's creepy. I should probably write more about my life even if I don't share it publicly.

Where was I? Right, punishment... In the light of my extremely recent epiphany, I think a little more prayer is in order. I do want this job because it is full time, first shift office work; The exact thing I've been looking for. It's even a dollar more an hour than my last job, so there's another plus right there. And it's temp-to-hire which my last job was not. But instead of praying that I get this job, I can pray about whether or not I've gotten the message about what I've done wrong and how I can go about not doing it again. Then maybe I can pray that I'll get this job.

Because even if I have to work day labor at the landfill (yes, those types of jobs exist), I will do it. I will do whatever I can to put a roof over my baby's head, food on his plate, clothes on his back and toys in his hands. There is no job too "low" if it helps me provide for my child.

So now, I pray. I'd love it if you'd pray with me.

Edit: I want to say a special thank you to @skeri (aka Keri H.) for being so helpful and encouraging during this rough time for me and my little family. Being raised by a single mother gives you a special point of view, doesn't it? I'm glad we met way back in 10th grade and despite the years and distance (and the loss and subsequent regaining of our friendship), you're there for me in a way no one else has been. You're an exceptional person and I'm thankful for you more than you know.

Second edit: My sister and brother-in-law are staying with me. My sister is a stay-at-home and graciously watches my kid for me whenever I ask (rarely, out of respect) and when I work. She'll take care of dinner, dishes, basically the domestic stuff minus my laundry, hah! My brother-in-law is a currently out of work union insulator who is collecting unemployment and, also graciously, is the one paying rent and the household bills. It can't cover everything but it still covers the basics. I'm so thankful that they are here to help and having family close by is always wonderful. Thank you for what you do for me, from the bottom of my heart.

Rough Waters

I haven't posted anything lately because I can't find the desire. The only desire I have is to get some things off my chest.

Currently I am living in a relatively low rent 3 bedroom 2 bedroom (where'd that extra bedroom come from?) apartment. Before I moved in, the landlord didn't paint, repair a bedroom door that has no doorknob because the hole where it goes is torn up, patch a leaky roof, clean the nasty, sticky carpets or do anything, really. My son's paternal grandfather kinda rushed him, so it's halfway understandable. But there was nothing stopping him from fixing those things after we moved in. In August I was let go from a temporary position that I happened to love. I loved the people, the job, the environment, everything about that place made me happy to show up every day. But stuff happens and I knew it was a temp position. I filed for unemployment and made my sorry butt go to Social Services to apply for all the help they could offer. After two weeks of being bullshitted around and two unemployment checks, I received two letters. One from unemployment stating a previous employer (as in, 3 jobs ago) was contesting my unemployment and that my payments were being held pending an investigation. The other letter was from Social Services stating I made too much in unemployment for my 2 person family to get financial assistance (like rent assistance and help with my electric bill). The same letter said I was rejected for EBT (aka food stamps) because I was already getting them (funny, since we've had next to nothing to eat for the last two weeks) and I'd receive a different letter for the results of my Medicaid application. Long story short: No income whatsoever from anywhere and no way to get my kid his 2 yr boosters... *sigh*

I've been in this position before, but I was a single, childless girl barely in her 20s. Now I'm a single mother, almost 30 with a 2yo to feed. I can't be homeless while his mostly absent father waits for any reason to nail me to the floor for no reason other than to prove he can. I won't get into his life because it's a joke and it just makes me even more angry that everyone let him stand there and act like a wronged father when at the first chance, he stopped having anything to do with "his" son whatsoever.

I'm at the end of my rope. I'm "letting" my son's grandparents take him as often as they want because I have next to nothing to feed him. When I say next to nothing, I mean, I fed him 3 spoonfuls of peanut butter for breakfast yesterday. We all know how delicious that is and fun, but as a meal? Maybe if you've decided to semi-starve yourself. He's eaten the last bag of popcorn, the last of the leftover tuna-mac and now we're working on the left over chili-slash-soup from Tuesday. My pantry has 7 cans of random food, from pumpkin to mixed vegetables. The very last thing we have are two chicken breasts, a cup of milk and some flour. I'll probably make chicken and dumplings tomorrow because Ick will be coming home in the afternoon.

I made a call to WIC where I could at least get the bare essentials and was reduced to tears because the woman didn't understand when I told her I was living off of nothing. Literally, nothing. In fact, my bank account is overdrawn because my car insurance (on a 91 Corolla rust bucket) came out when I had fifteen cents to my name.

I could ask my parents for help, but my father once told me that I had no business having a kid and, "I hope they take him away from you." My stepmother sends packages every once in a while with a few items of clothing and maybe a toy for Ick, which is nice, but I can't ask her for financial assistance because she'd have my "dad" to deal with. And she's not exactly a loving, worrying, helping mother type anyway. I do have other family members (they all live in other states) but there's not one person I feel has the ability to just throw money at me. Not that that's what I'm asking for, but that's how it feels.

I've applied to 10 jobs in the last two days. I'm looking, scouring job sites, picking up applications and doing everything in my power to get a job for which I'm qualified (as in, I don't need a college degree). I'm trying to get my uneducated butt in school so I can have a degree so that I, too, can get a job for which I am highly overqualified but for some reason, that's the rule rather than the exception these days. The financial aid will help, too since (as far as I know) I'll be getting a cost of living adjustment (meaning more money).

I'm trying. I'm praying. I'm begging. I'm crying. I don't know what on earth I'm supposed to be doing because I must be missing something. I must be doing something wrong because I see no light at the end of this tunnel. Between thinly veiled threats of eviction, an empty pantry and my tears I see nothing but more of the same.

I've been needing to get these things off my chest and out of my head. I feel bad complaining to the two friends I have because they also have it rough. One is also a single mother (almost divorced) and being forced to pay most of her paycheck to her almost ex so she and her son can stay in the only home her little boy has ever known. My other friend is a newly married wife of a college student, so it's not like they're any better off. My point is, I want to let it out without someone looking away because they're too ashamed to admit they can't help when it's so glaringly obvious I need it. I'm not out to guilt a single person out of a single dollar. I'm out to get these troubles outside of me where they can stop festering as much and let me be, even for a few minutes.

I'm praying and I'll keep praying. I'm trying not to worry and trying to do my best and work as hard as I can towards getting a job and into school. I will get through this, but first I have to go through it.