Developmental Anxiety

In August of 2009, one of the most wonderful OB/GYN's I'd ever had the pleasure of meeting, delivered my beautiful son into the world via c-section. He was 6lbs, 8.5oz and 21in long. When I briefly saw his face before being put under the finish up the surgery, I cried tears of joy and total pride in the incredibly small, helpless infant. In that moment, he was the best of me. When I finally got to hold him to my chest and kiss his precious face, I swore to myself that I would do everything right. I wouldn't push him to learn too fast, but I'd teach him as early as possible so he could get a head start on literacy the way my mother taught my siblings and me. I wouldn't agonize over whether he was walking or talking "on schedule" and I would give him the best meals and never skimp on nutrition. Basically, I did what most first time mothers do: I set my standards sky high!

Since then, I've given in to Kix and yogurt for dinner, bedtime "babas" and dozing on the couch while my little man plays on the floor. I'm naturally a quiet person when I'm 'alone' and have a hard time holding up a one-sided conversation so sometimes Ick doesn't get as much exposure to words as he should. He is now 15 months old (well on the way to 16 months) and knows about 5 words and still isn't walking alone. I am anxious when I shouldn't be. A former co-worker of mine had her son almost 4 months after I had mine and he is walking unsupported already. He isn't even a year old yet and it causes me worry. I have a hard time remembering my friend's son has an older sibling (a sister who is in the neighborhood of 5 years old) to chase after whereas Ick only spends two afternoons a week with his cousin (who is about 22 months) and they don't play very well together. They pretty much play alone in the same room, ha ha.

When Ick does say the words he knows, I praise him and lavish kisses and "Yay!"s on him. I walk with him every day holding just one hand, encouraging him to walk alone, stumbles and all, building his confidence.

Regardless of everything the parenting articles say about each child being on their own time-table, I still struggle with letting my active ball of energy go at his own pace.

He shows no interest in books other than holding them open and babbling as if he were actually reading it for about 5 seconds then throwing it down to grab a car and spin it's wheels. His interests lie mostly in wheels and anything else that spins or things that open and close (like doors and books). Buttons, switches (other than light switches) shapes, colors: none of those interest him for more than about 3 seconds when he realizes there's nothing to open or spin. This lack of exploration bothers me as well.

Shouldn't he be able to sit for 2 minutes while I read a baby book? Shouldn't he be able to put shapes in their respective holes, or at least want to try? Shouldn't he want to look at pretty colors and point to them? He still reaches out with his whole hand.

It's not all negativity and worry. I do let him eat with a fork and he's very good at it. He enjoys feeding himself and often won't eat at all unless I let him do it himself. It takes forever but I try to sit patiently.

I know that my time for worrying has only begun and I can't control every aspect of my baby's life forever. I can only keep trying to reign in my anxiety so it doesn't show when I interact with Ick. I can only keep trying to better myself so that I can be the best parent I'm capable of being.

These next 17 years are not just about this energetic whirlwind of potential growing up and maturing, it's about me doing the same.