Being Yourself and Mama

When a woman becomes a mother, there is inevitably a change. You are Mama 100% of the time. Your tastes in music, movies and books don't change, but instead widens to allow room for your kids' interests. Priorities change as well. Your career may not be as important as you once thought, or may become even more important if you're trying to make more money for your family. You'll find that sometimes "a night out" means you and your little man or darling daughter (and possibly your significant other) at McDonald's or a chain restaurant when it used to mean drinks and dancing or dinner at an expensive, classy restaurant.

But people tend to forget that you are also still just you. You still want to read your Dean Koontz instead of parenting articles and books (although the latter may take up any time you might have had for the former). When you're alone in the car (on those rare occasions) the radio goes back to the rock or country station instead of the kid cd's. You still enjoy a nice glass of wine, a cold wine cooler or an ice cold beer.

Some parents let their kids stay up as late as they can in order to get them to sleep late in the morning. Personally, my son has a 7 to 8pm bedtime. "Why?" you may ask. Well, I still want some time to myself. When Ick takes a nap, I am either doing laundry or catching some z's myself. But after he goes to bed, that's my time to sit back, relax and just be me. I may play EverQuest2, read a book, play games on Facebook or watch TV that doesn't revolve around toys, talking animals or learning the ABC's and 123's.

While my son is asleep, I'm still Mama. I still listen for his cries in case he wakes up, I peek in on him on my way to the bathroom to hear his deep, sleeping breaths and I try to decide what to dress him in and feed him the next day. Like I said before, I'm Mama 100% of the time, but there needs to be a time when I get to be myself again.

When my son grows up and goes away to college or moves away from home, I don't want to be left adrift and lost because I don't know who I am anymore. I went through self-discovery (and still am) and don't want to have to start all over in 18 (or so) years. Also, being sure of myself and being my own person gives my son a strong figure to lean on during his adolescent years when he is trying to figure out just who he is.

I still have needs, wants, interests, likes and dislikes that extend beyond my little boy. Yes, he is the center and he is my world. But, just as there are stars and planets beyond Earth, I extend beyond my Sweet Cheeks. Even if I only have time for my books during breaks and lunches at work, so be it. If I get an adult night out once every 6 months, I can deal with that. But because I make time for myself, I am a calmer and more sane Mama the rest of the time. Knowing there are a few hours of peace and quiet at the end of the day makes any crazy, hectic, whiney day bearable.

And as for anyone who claims their job is their "adult" time? You're crazy. You still have to take care of others and it comes naturally and understandably. I myself work retail and am constantly soothing upset customers, cleaning up after kids and adults alike, and always on the move. Work is NOT the time to "be yourself," as you must be the model employee.

So find yourself a full, uninterrupted hour (at least) of "you time" and therefore find your sanity. Set a bedtime for your kids because not only is it good for you, it's good for them to have structure and rules. (Plus, it'll be much easier on all of you when the time comes for your kiddos to start school!) Read a book with more than 4 words per sentence, watch a movie that hasn't been rated G, or (for this time of year) just sit back with a glass of "adult" eggnog and turn out the lights to better enjoy the glowing Christmas tree.

Enjoy being you. Because come 6 or 7am... It's back to being Mama!

Developmental Anxiety

In August of 2009, one of the most wonderful OB/GYN's I'd ever had the pleasure of meeting, delivered my beautiful son into the world via c-section. He was 6lbs, 8.5oz and 21in long. When I briefly saw his face before being put under the finish up the surgery, I cried tears of joy and total pride in the incredibly small, helpless infant. In that moment, he was the best of me. When I finally got to hold him to my chest and kiss his precious face, I swore to myself that I would do everything right. I wouldn't push him to learn too fast, but I'd teach him as early as possible so he could get a head start on literacy the way my mother taught my siblings and me. I wouldn't agonize over whether he was walking or talking "on schedule" and I would give him the best meals and never skimp on nutrition. Basically, I did what most first time mothers do: I set my standards sky high!

Since then, I've given in to Kix and yogurt for dinner, bedtime "babas" and dozing on the couch while my little man plays on the floor. I'm naturally a quiet person when I'm 'alone' and have a hard time holding up a one-sided conversation so sometimes Ick doesn't get as much exposure to words as he should. He is now 15 months old (well on the way to 16 months) and knows about 5 words and still isn't walking alone. I am anxious when I shouldn't be. A former co-worker of mine had her son almost 4 months after I had mine and he is walking unsupported already. He isn't even a year old yet and it causes me worry. I have a hard time remembering my friend's son has an older sibling (a sister who is in the neighborhood of 5 years old) to chase after whereas Ick only spends two afternoons a week with his cousin (who is about 22 months) and they don't play very well together. They pretty much play alone in the same room, ha ha.

When Ick does say the words he knows, I praise him and lavish kisses and "Yay!"s on him. I walk with him every day holding just one hand, encouraging him to walk alone, stumbles and all, building his confidence.

Regardless of everything the parenting articles say about each child being on their own time-table, I still struggle with letting my active ball of energy go at his own pace.

He shows no interest in books other than holding them open and babbling as if he were actually reading it for about 5 seconds then throwing it down to grab a car and spin it's wheels. His interests lie mostly in wheels and anything else that spins or things that open and close (like doors and books). Buttons, switches (other than light switches) shapes, colors: none of those interest him for more than about 3 seconds when he realizes there's nothing to open or spin. This lack of exploration bothers me as well.

Shouldn't he be able to sit for 2 minutes while I read a baby book? Shouldn't he be able to put shapes in their respective holes, or at least want to try? Shouldn't he want to look at pretty colors and point to them? He still reaches out with his whole hand.

It's not all negativity and worry. I do let him eat with a fork and he's very good at it. He enjoys feeding himself and often won't eat at all unless I let him do it himself. It takes forever but I try to sit patiently.

I know that my time for worrying has only begun and I can't control every aspect of my baby's life forever. I can only keep trying to reign in my anxiety so it doesn't show when I interact with Ick. I can only keep trying to better myself so that I can be the best parent I'm capable of being.

These next 17 years are not just about this energetic whirlwind of potential growing up and maturing, it's about me doing the same.

It Takes a Village... Apparently

Today my son, Ick, and I went to my friend's son's 5th birthday party. My son is only 14 months old so he wasn't really part of the play group. Jeremy has known my son since before he was born. In fact, he's the one who christened him with the nickname "Ick" (from the TV show Little Bear). He really does love little Ick and Ick absolutely adores Jeremy like most small children do their older counterparts.

Now, my friend (Shaggy) is currently going through a divorce. So her party was mostly her family with only myself and her son's friend and his mom as unrelated guests. The party started at 2, but being her closest friend (and having helped stock up on party foods and such) I showed up around 1:45 with Ick in tow.

Jeremy is pretty close to this boy Caden he met at the Open House at his preschool the beginning of the last school year (2008). Shaggy had only met his mother 3 times but knowing he liked Caden she made sure they were invited. Apparently they showed up about 1:30.

Jeremy and his friend Caden were in the playroom messing around with all of Jeremy's toys. Caden was especially concerned with Jer's actual, child-size drum set and couldn't stop playing. It was very cute and Jer liked that he had something so few children had. However, whenever Jer tried to pull Caden away to do something they both could do, Caden would cheat or annoy Jeremy so he could go back to the drums. They played a fishing game (being Jeremy's game, he's played it 800 times) and Caden couldn't catcha ny fish and got upset and started pulling them out. Jeremy got upset and called him a cheater, so Caden got up and went over to Ick and took the ball he was holding, causing Ick to cry. Then got up to play the drums again.

No big deal, even though Ick is an abnormally happy baby. The loud drums had kind of rattled him and he was still adjusting to the relatively new environment. As more guests showed up, the two older boys were continuing to play in the playroom and Jer's bedroom with all the toys. Ick and I moved on to the living room where Shaggy had thoughtfully put out some of Jeremy's old baby toys so Ick would have something to play with.

More guests showed up including Shaggy's cousins ranging from age 5 to 18. The smaller kids got together to keep playing but Caden felt he had first dibs on every single thing because he was there first. He repeatedly took toys away from Ick and the other kids, broke pieces off Jeremy's toys only to throw the whole thing on the ground wherever he was standing, and pushed people to make his way to the toybox in the living room stepping on fingers and toes.

His mother? Hanging out in the kitchen eating. I only heard her say anything to him twice. This child was insanely greedy, pushy, and couldn't share or play nice if his next juice box depended on it.

When the time came to open presents, he helped himself to the gifts attempting to open them faster than Shaggy could pull them out to give to her son. She had to take one away from him to keep him from opening Jeremy's birthday present.

I know this boy is only 5, but when *I* was 5, I didn't act like that! Why has parenting become so lax? Why is it such a chore for mothers and fathers to teach their kids what sharing is and how to keep your hands to yourself? If it's not yours, you ask permission before you touch it.

Caden's mom was nice enough and I liked her alright. She was fun to talk to and lighthearted. But she was also wearing old sweatpants and an old t-shirt. No one says you wear your Sunday best to a child's birthday party, but couldn't you at least get out of your pajamas for it?

I was really taken aback by something that didn't seem to bother anyone else. Maybe I'm too uptight. I know you have to tell kids "Stop that!" 15 times before they even consider listening to you. But there comes a point when you hear 6 other adults say your child's name followed by, "Don't do that, that's not nice!" when you should think to yourself: "I need to go stop whatever he's doing, this is getting out of hand."

Maybe as Ick grows up I'll relax a little and let the little things go. But if your kid shows up at my son's birthday part and shoots others in the face with a nerf gun or takes toys away from others and won't play nice, you better expect him to spend a couple of minutes in the Time Out Chair. If you won't parent your kids at home, I'm more than happy to parent them while they are in my house!

Single and Hating It

These last 9 months since my son was born have been so busy and have gone so by so fast that I didn't really have time to think about the fact that I'm not dating anyone. It hasn't even bothered me because I've been so busy with Ick and moving and getting a job... Now that things have settled down a little bit, it's hitting me every time I turn around. TV shows, movies, the people around me. Wherever I go I see couples and families... It's getting harder to deal with it. I'm so lonely and I just want someone to be there for me and to be close with. Some kind of companion would be perfect. I'd love someone to come over for dinner, to go out to the park with Ick and me... Someone to cook for, someone to cook for me, ha ha ha... I know it seems that my son would be reason enough to have motivation. But it's not. He doesn't notice when things are clean or not. It sounds weird but I want someone to impress... A reason to look nice. It's very sad and depressing and it's getting old already. I wish I could meet someone. It'd be nice for someone to compliment me and make me feel the way I want to feel. Instead of this blah that keeps overwhelming me.

Parenthood Changes Everything

I will admit up front that I am a dirty person. I go long stretches between showers (As long as I look and smell ok, what difference does it make?), I put off dishes and taking out the trash. I sweep maybe once a week and RARELY mop. I don't have carpets, so no vacuuming. Laundry is usually only done for special occasions (like court for custody, or a job interview). I live alone so I'm not really worried about the toilet or the tub. I make sure my 8 month old is bathed and clean and well cared for, and always wearing clean clothes. So, I never skimp when it comes to my baby.

However, how many times when you were a kid do you go to someone's house and it was a wreck? Did you ever see dishes in the sink or dirty clothes in a pile on the bedroom floor? Were the floors dirty? The toilet stained? The mirror over the sink spotty with toothpaste?

It's come to mind that I have to change my deeply ingrained messiness for the sake of my son. Now, my dad and stepmom were very clean people. VERY. So, it's not their fault that I'm like this. I'm lazy and a HUGE procrastinator! Why do today what I can put off until tomorrow?

Well, as my son grows (and he's doing that pretty darn well) he's going to be crawling and walking soon. The floors will need to be swept and mopped everyday. We're going to need all the clean dishes possible. He's going to need clean clothes all the time in case he gets dirty and we need to go somewhere. I'M going to need clean clothes for the same reason! Also, when he gets even older, I don't want him to be embarrassed to bring friends over, or other moms to not want them at my house.

I am also going to have to find the time to do all this while I'm going to work (and hopefully school soon). Granted, I'll only be working part time, but the days I'm off, I'll have Ick with me. So, chores will need to be done while he's asleep for the most part. Especially if I'm going to be working ten hour days because there's no way I'm coming home and cleaning after that.

I could use some tips on how to start this change because I'm telling you: The thought of my favorite shows just sitting there unwatched on my computer's hard drive while I stare at some dirty dishes is just NO contest! I've thought of making a cleaning schedule to go along with Ick's sleeping schedule. Also, he's with his dad for 6 days this week so that's a great opportunity for me to get the place clean to get me off to a great start.

It doesn't help that I get really depressed when Ick isn't here. I don't feel like doing anything. And when he IS here, I'm too worn out from playing with him and taking care of him all day that I'm so grateful for the chance to chill out after he goes to bed.

I realize that it seems like I'm using any excuse I can find to avoid doing housework. Did I mention I was lazy?? And a procrastinator?

So, I think it comes down to time management. As long as I can make time to enjoy my favorite shows and relax a few times a day, then I think I can make sure I get everything else done. And I think the going rate for doing something until it becomes a habit is 21 days. So, the challenge is on.

Tomorrow, I will do a nice, full spring cleaning complete with laundry folded and put away and trash and recyclables ready to be taken out Monday night. Monday will begin my 21-day challenge to a nicer, cleaner home for me and my son. Not to mention, a journey to being a better person. Goodbye laziness and procrastination!

I hope you'll join me for my daily updates and offer your own tips and encouragements.

Oh, and one last thing... Cleaning out the car will have to be one of those days, lol, cus it's a mess, too. Just don't expect a miracle, because I can't clean my house AND my car all in one day.

Edit: I will be the first to admit that my laziness and procrastination have gotten the better of me and I still have not started this project. Oh, well. I will. One day. Probably when I move. Ha ha, at least I'm honest!

Music and Depression

Usually when I'm depressed (or just sad) I like to listen to sad music. Oddly enough, it makes me feel better.

These last few days I've felt myself slipping into a depression. It's a slightly scary feeling especially when you have a happy-go-lucky 7 month old wanting your attention when all you want to do is lay in bed. I fake happiness because babies can pick up on your emotions easily and the last thing Ick deserves is unwarranted sadness. Well, today begins the weekend Ick's dad has him from Wednesday to Sunday.

After dropping Ick off at his dad's parents' house I decided to go drive around and listen to the "Sad" cd I made the other day. The first song on the cd is my newest musical obsession: "Ain't No Reason" by Brett Dennen. (Check out the video on YouTube.) The lyrics that get me the most are: "There ain't no reason things are this way / That's how they always been and they intend to stay. / I can't explain why we live this way / We do it everyday."

The song is about our world and our lives. The seeming randomness of bad things happening, hungry children in other countries, broken soldiers who fight for our freedom, people making 5 cents a day to make clothes (I picked that amount out of thin air, by the way), working your whole life for nothing with nothing at the end but death, slimy politicians, prisons full to the brim, our pride in money and the things it buys, our eagerness for war, the hatefulness people harbor for each other, and the pain we harbor within ourselves.

I know it seems like a lot to cover in one song under 4 minutes long, but he does it. And every time I watch the video I cry. It's deep and touching... And doesn't change my life one bit.

Which, ironically, is kinda the point of the song.

I've listened to this song about 25 times in the last two days and after about the 3rd time in a row, I feel a little better. I can't explain the healing effect sad songs have on me, I just feel it.

The sad songs on my "Sad" cd vary quite a bit. This is a social awareness song. Others are love songs, cheatin' songs, death by whiskey songs, suicide songs, and just some slow, seemingly sad songs that only make sense when you're deep down in that depression. The artists include: Wallflowers, Keith Urban, Sister Hazel, Brett Dennen (duh), The Fray, Counting Crows and more.

If you'd like the full playlist, send me an email, I'd be happy to send the list. :o) Well, and sad that you want my "Sad" list, but I can't help but understand.

But, like the sunrise following the darkest night, I'm soon craving "Mandolin Moon" by Sister Hazel or "Hillbilly Bone" by Blake Shelton and Trace Adkins.

It's nice to know, though, that when I start to feel blue, I have a carefully picked playlist to help pick me up.