Procrastination and Its Fruits

Edit: The following is the comment from my teacher after grading my essay:"Kathryn,
Your personal narrative essay based on the exercise describing your educational goals has earn this enthusiastic A for the excellent development of your academic background and current efforts to achieve your plans for the future. It is easy to see why you were once enrolled In a creative writing course. Bravo, Kathryn!
The elements of first-person viewpoint and effective storytelling will be prominent features of upcoming assignments.  Your next opportunity to practice these skills will be in the process assignments due this coming week. I look forward to reading." 

The following essay is the first major essay assigned by my English 101 Composition class in my first semester returning to college. The assignment is a personal narrative essay and the topic is Where and How to Learn: My Educational Background. Basically, what's your background and attitude, how did it change, what changed it, how did you learn from your experiences and what is your attitude now? I am very proud of this work as far as style and content. I hope you enjoy it as well. 

     As I sit here looking at my assignment board full of multicolored reminders of what is due when, it’s like coming home: I’m comfortable, confident and I know it’s where I should be. My deep love of learning and all the trappings that come with it have been denied for years due to an overwhelming apathy. Horace Greeley said it precisely, “Apathy is a sort of living oblivion. “

     My mother passed away when I was eight, my father and step-mother were less than stellar in my eyes and I grew wary of their military and college educated, 9-5 lives. When I was barely into my double digits I decided I wanted to be a teacher and a mother in whatever order they managed to happen. I’d loved every teacher I ever had and longed to prove that I could be a better parent than those I was stuck with and the one who “left me behind,” as I saw it through my childish eyes. As time wore on and I grew up, I lost all passion in the struggle to live in a place where I felt unloved and utterly miserable. I focused on friends and ignored school enough to do well without excelling.

     In 2001 I graduated from my Dallas, TX high school as apathetic as it’s possible to be. We had all heard from parents and teachers that after high school you go to college; no reason why, that’s just how it’s done. My apathy led to enrollment in a community college because I’d never applied to any universities, leading to years of more apathy and procrastination.

     I knew I wanted to be a teacher but I was consumed with life. I had a job, my own apartment, dreams of my own car and friends who were not in school. I went to college the fall after graduation but failed a couple of classes for poor attendance and not turning in homework. I still had the bad habit of apathetic procrastination. I slept through 8am classes, didn’t turn in essays for creative writing, and dropped a history class. I went back the following fall with the same results. I skipped my evening class because after work I was too tired to go or wanted to hang out with my roommate and friends. I thought, “I pay for school with no financial aid or help from anyone. Who cares? I’m not wasting anyone’s money but mine, so what difference does it make?” So I decided that perhaps school wasn’t where I needed to be. I made enough money in my retail jobs to get by and still have a little fun.

     For eight years I moved around to many states including Florida, Tennessee and North Carolina. I stayed with family and friends and worked until I found myself in Central New York forced to stay due to personal circumstances. I’d moved to Utica because I knew someone here and thought it was as good a place as any. In the four years I was here I moved away and back twice. The last time I moved away was four days after the birth of my son, James. His father fought for shared custody of this tiny being that had depended solely on me since his creation, and a court order brought me back to Utica in the hopes I would be here just long enough to win custody and go back to my job with a promising future and family surrounding me. Almost three years and three custody losses later I was unemployed, still formally uneducated and desperate for a court acceptable reason to leave Utica. Despite zero involvement with his son and a total disregard for the custody he’d fought for, my son’s dad won every time I tried to get the judge to understand my reasoning for wanting to leave. The apathy had disappeared the moment I laid eyes on my own little miracle, and I knew my life needed direction with me taking the lead. But procrastination is a habit that’s a little harder to break.

     Every January for three years I applied to MVCC and faithfully completed my FAFSA and TAP applications, but since I’d always had a job I figured everything would be fine. The last job I held was great and it paid well. I thought it would turn into something permanent despite the “temporary/contract” tag on the end. I didn’t think I could handle a toddler, a full time job and full time schooling, anyway. When the contract was closed I knew there would be no more excuses because the decision had been made for me; I could live as a welfare mom, or make a change. January of this year, I redid my FAFSA and TAP applications; made sure I was still accepted to MVCC and got everything done. For fear I’d find a job and therefore another excuse to put off my life goals, I made sure to start as soon as possible: this summer.

     I had finally realized that if I wanted to leave this dying area and bring my son with me, I could no longer live paycheck to mouth and put off an education that would allow me to create a better life. I’ve always enjoyed learning even if I didn’t enjoy high school. Life experience has taught me that yes, you do go to college after high school, but it also taught me why: Even if you don’t immediately pursue a career, having that education opens more doors than simply a diploma. I still could have lived the life I had but with the option of settling down as soon as it was necessary. As it was, the life I lived was the only one I saw available to me without a college education.

     Looking around me I see the detritus of a parent. There are toys, dishes, clothes everywhere. Crayons and pens are scattered over scribbles drawn by the most precious fingers in the world. By working to realize my own pre-adolescent dreams of becoming a teacher in addition to the mother I already am, I know that MVCC is exactly where I need to be. All apathy has vanished and procrastination has no place here. Here is where I begin building the life I want and my son needs.