I haven't posted anything lately because I can't find the desire. The only desire I have is to get some things off my chest.
Currently I am living in a relatively low rent 3 bedroom 2 bedroom (where'd that extra bedroom come from?) apartment. Before I moved in, the landlord didn't paint, repair a bedroom door that has no doorknob because the hole where it goes is torn up, patch a leaky roof, clean the nasty, sticky carpets or do anything, really. My son's paternal grandfather kinda rushed him, so it's halfway understandable. But there was nothing stopping him from fixing those things after we moved in. In August I was let go from a temporary position that I happened to love. I loved the people, the job, the environment, everything about that place made me happy to show up every day. But stuff happens and I knew it was a temp position. I filed for unemployment and made my sorry butt go to Social Services to apply for all the help they could offer. After two weeks of being bullshitted around and two unemployment checks, I received two letters. One from unemployment stating a previous employer (as in, 3 jobs ago) was contesting my unemployment and that my payments were being held pending an investigation. The other letter was from Social Services stating I made too much in unemployment for my 2 person family to get financial assistance (like rent assistance and help with my electric bill). The same letter said I was rejected for EBT (aka food stamps) because I was already getting them (funny, since we've had next to nothing to eat for the last two weeks) and I'd receive a different letter for the results of my Medicaid application. Long story short: No income whatsoever from anywhere and no way to get my kid his 2 yr boosters... *sigh*
I've been in this position before, but I was a single, childless girl barely in her 20s. Now I'm a single mother, almost 30 with a 2yo to feed. I can't be homeless while his mostly absent father waits for any reason to nail me to the floor for no reason other than to prove he can. I won't get into his life because it's a joke and it just makes me even more angry that everyone let him stand there and act like a wronged father when at the first chance, he stopped having anything to do with "his" son whatsoever.
I'm at the end of my rope. I'm "letting" my son's grandparents take him as often as they want because I have next to nothing to feed him. When I say next to nothing, I mean, I fed him 3 spoonfuls of peanut butter for breakfast yesterday. We all know how delicious that is and fun, but as a meal? Maybe if you've decided to semi-starve yourself. He's eaten the last bag of popcorn, the last of the leftover tuna-mac and now we're working on the left over chili-slash-soup from Tuesday. My pantry has 7 cans of random food, from pumpkin to mixed vegetables. The very last thing we have are two chicken breasts, a cup of milk and some flour. I'll probably make chicken and dumplings tomorrow because Ick will be coming home in the afternoon.
I made a call to WIC where I could at least get the bare essentials and was reduced to tears because the woman didn't understand when I told her I was living off of nothing. Literally, nothing. In fact, my bank account is overdrawn because my car insurance (on a 91 Corolla rust bucket) came out when I had fifteen cents to my name.
I could ask my parents for help, but my father once told me that I had no business having a kid and, "I hope they take him away from you." My stepmother sends packages every once in a while with a few items of clothing and maybe a toy for Ick, which is nice, but I can't ask her for financial assistance because she'd have my "dad" to deal with. And she's not exactly a loving, worrying, helping mother type anyway. I do have other family members (they all live in other states) but there's not one person I feel has the ability to just throw money at me. Not that that's what I'm asking for, but that's how it feels.
I've applied to 10 jobs in the last two days. I'm looking, scouring job sites, picking up applications and doing everything in my power to get a job for which I'm qualified (as in, I don't need a college degree). I'm trying to get my uneducated butt in school so I can have a degree so that I, too, can get a job for which I am highly overqualified but for some reason, that's the rule rather than the exception these days. The financial aid will help, too since (as far as I know) I'll be getting a cost of living adjustment (meaning more money).
I'm trying. I'm praying. I'm begging. I'm crying. I don't know what on earth I'm supposed to be doing because I must be missing something. I must be doing something wrong because I see no light at the end of this tunnel. Between thinly veiled threats of eviction, an empty pantry and my tears I see nothing but more of the same.
I've been needing to get these things off my chest and out of my head. I feel bad complaining to the two friends I have because they also have it rough. One is also a single mother (almost divorced) and being forced to pay most of her paycheck to her almost ex so she and her son can stay in the only home her little boy has ever known. My other friend is a newly married wife of a college student, so it's not like they're any better off. My point is, I want to let it out without someone looking away because they're too ashamed to admit they can't help when it's so glaringly obvious I need it. I'm not out to guilt a single person out of a single dollar. I'm out to get these troubles outside of me where they can stop festering as much and let me be, even for a few minutes.
I'm praying and I'll keep praying. I'm trying not to worry and trying to do my best and work as hard as I can towards getting a job and into school. I will get through this, but first I have to go through it.
