in•tro•spec•tion [in-truh-spek-shuhn] (noun) observation or examination of one's own mental and emotional state, mental processes, etc.; the act of looking within oneself.
So I've been considering doing a vlog sometime this week, but I need a topic to talk about. While it could just be the same old, same old, I thought something new is in order since it's a new medium for me. It's so easy for me to type out, delete, re-read and re-write that vlogging kinda scares me! What do you vlog about? How scary is it? Do you have any ideas for me?
That's probably not the right word for it, but it feels like that. I want to drive and keep going. I want to see the sights, buy souvenirs, and laugh with the window open and the radio up. I want to see a new town and meet new people who don't know me. I want to see who I could be in someone else's eyes. The endless potential of a friendly stranger But I want more than that. I want a father for my son. I want that father to be a good man to me. I want friends who will come by for coffee. Who want to talk to me and actually do talk to me. I want to know that even though we're busy we can find half an hour to catch up. I want to go shopping and not buy anything but try on everything. I want it all. It feels like a lot to ask but at the same time like it's not quite enough. I really am happy with my life. But for tonight I'm going to dream of open highway, someone special in the passenger seat and my little man giggling from the backseat. I'm going to dream of walking through the fall trees as they shed their gorgeous leaves and of hot apple cider. I'll dream of kisses, open windows and loud music. I'll dream of finding a place where my desire to leave it all behind finally lays down and stops pulling at me. No matter where I go, there I am. The only thing I can't escape is myself. And now you know the kernel of truth behind my wanderlust.
Life is very full these days. I'm not complaining because I love it. I'm in school where I belong and pursuing a degree I've wanted almost my whole life. I'm taking 6 classes and 4 are online. Those 4 require a large amount of reading, studying and writing. My education class on campus is a lot of reading, classroom observations of a 3rd grade class and long term projects. I've applied to 4 jobs at school as part of the work study program, too. So I'll have 18 hours of classes, 15 hours a week to work, my son, my family and my home. That's a lot! But I'm doing well and for that I'm grateful. I'm also proud because I've been working very hard and I've been invited to join the Honors Society once I complete this semester. My next goal is to make the President's List. Honors Society is a GPA of 3.5 or more and 12 or more credit hours and the President's List is a GPA of 3.75 or more and 12 or more credit hours. My GPA is a 3.7. I know what I want and what my family needs and I'm working on it. I turned 29 today. :o) This is the last age I'll ever be. Starting next year I will be celebrating anniversaries of my 29th birthday. My best friend Shaggy says I have to at least celebrate "Dirty 30," but I can't make her understand that I won't be turning 30. I'll be celebrating the first anniversary of my 29th birthday. I'm only half kidding. When I was a teenager I thought people being "ashamed" of their age was ridiculous and I still do. At this point in my life, I'm sad that I'm so close to 30 and there are so many things I haven't accomplished. But I'm not ashamed. I've earned the candles on my cake and I won't be afraid to tell people exactly how old I am. That doesn't mean I can't joke about it. I feel my life coming together slowly but at least I can feel it. I've never felt it before and I have to tell you: It's magical. To envision a goal and watch it unfold at my hands and because of my own hard work is glorious. You know what else is glorious? The sound of my son singing. He can't carry a tune in a bucket, but he's getting better. He knows about 5 songs and I love having him sing to me. Tonight he "read" me his 5 Wishing Stars book. He managed to tell a story about each page and as I watched his face I kept in mind every blog post I'd ever read about vanishing moments and our babies growing up. He looked so serious telling me about the sheep and what they were wishing for before they went to sleep. His sweet baby voice didn't make me sad or nostalgic. I did what some people wish they had done more of. I watched him, listened intently and basked in the glow of the boy he's growing into. I was fully present with him in bed as the light from the kitchen shined on his face and he imagined flocks of sheep at night making wishes on stars. My life is full. I'm tired, stressed out, frustrated, short on time and money but I'm happy. I don't mean to slack off in the blogging department, especially after I wanted to try so hard to write twice a week, but sometimes, life happens. Today is the first of October. Today is my birthday. Today is fall. Today my son sang me Happy Birthday. Today I scored higher than all my classmates on a test. Today I celebrated my life and myself and it was beautiful. Hello, October, my old friend. I'm so glad to see Fall is with you. Please stay a while. Linger over coffee on the porch while we watch the rain. Don't leave too soon like the years before. The colors of your garments bring me peace and warmth.
